Category: Kakunaman’s Entries


Some people just have no perspective whatsoever. They complain and complain, but they don’t realize that life could always be worse. You need proof? Alright fucknutters, ask and you shall receive. Some of these are mine, and some are lovingly ripped from the Interweb, with a little personal touch added.
Bad: A bird shits on your car.
Worse: A bird shits on you.
Even Worse: A bird shits on you whilst you are giving a speech in front of a few hundred peers.
Bad: Someone asks if you’re a dude or a chick.
Worse: Someone asks if you’re a dude or a chick, and then doesn’t believe you when you answer.
Bad: You get a papercut.
Worse: You die from a papercut.
Bad: You step on a snail.
Worse: A snail steps on you.
Bad: A vending machine eats your change.
Worse: A vending machine eats you.
Bad: You find a hair in your soup.
Worse: You find soup in your hair.
Bad: Your spider crawls inside your keyboard, and your report is due tomorrow.
Worse: Your keyboard crawls inside your spider, and your report is due tomorrow.
Bad: Your hands are always cold.
Worse: You have no hands.
Bad: You fart in public.
Worse: You fart in public, but shit comes out instead.
Even Worse: You fart in public, but a dictionary comes out instead.
Worse Still: You fart in public, but Mr. Cuddles, your long lost cat, comes out instead.
And Worse Again: You fart in public, but your best friend comes out instead.
So Bad That You Should Probably Kill Yourself If This Happens: You fart in public, but Australia comes out instead.
So Bad That You Should Probably Kill Yourself, Exhume your Corpse, Bring Yourself Back To Life, And Kill Yourself Again If This Happens: You fart in public, but Chuck Norris comes out instead, and he isn’t happy.
Bad: You get a hug after your tenth date.
Worse: You get a high five after your tenth date.
Bad: You feel like you have a frog in your throat.
Worse: You actually have a frog in your throat.
Bad: Mysterious voices talk to you.
Worse: You’re jealous that the mysterious voices aren’t talking to you.
Bad: A bag of marijuana falls out of your pocket while talking to your health teacher.
Worse: Your health teacher falls out of your pocket while talking to your bag of marijuana. (Figure it out)
Bad: You get a ticket for running a red light.
Worse: You get a ticket for running a green light.
Even Worse: You get run over by a green light.
Bad: You wake up in a foreign country and find that someone has stolen your wallet.
Worse: You wake up in a foreign country and find that someone has stolen your liver.
Bad (assuming you’re a dude): Two words: Wrong hole.
Worse: Two words: Your hole.
Bad: Your dad catches you jerking off.
Worse: You catch your dad jerking off.
Bad: Everyone blames you for killing the family pet.
Worse: Everyone blames you for the Holocaust.
Bad: You fall off a building.
Worse: A building falls on you.
Bad: You have an abortion.
Worse: You have an abortion, but you die instead.
Bad: Your dog gets hit by a car and dies.
Worse: Your dog gets hit by a cop car going 65 km/h in a 40 km/h zone with no siren or lights on, and dies, and you get a ticket for not having it on a leash.
Bad: Your wife runs off with the milkman.
Worse: Your wife runs off with your neighbour.
Even Worse: Your wife runs off with your best friend.
Worse Still: Your wife runs off with your imaginary friend.
Bad: You commit a crime and are sentenced to life imprisonment.
Worse: You are granted eternal life, and then commit a crime and are sentenced to life imprisonment.
Bad: You accidently boil your fish in oil.
Worse: Your fish accidently boils you in oil.
Even Worse: Your fish purposely boils you in oil.
Bad: You live within a hundred miles of Edmonton.
Bad: Bob Barker, Ben Affleck, Kevin James, Chuck Norris, Jarome Iginla, Don Cherry, Shigeru Miyamoto, Sean Connery, King Leonidas, Timothy Dalton, Quentin Tarantino, the Sprouse Brothers, Daniel Webster, Bill Watterson, Theoren Fleury, Dane Cook, Jim Carrey, Floyd Landis, Andrew Cogliano, Miley Cyrus (see, I’m not sexist) and George Carlin all die on the same day.
Worse: …Fuck, I’ve got nothing. Let’s just pray that some shit like that never happens.
There you go. Kiddies, stop your bitching, or else I’ll give you something to bitch about. And I will enjoy doing so.
I meant to talk about this on ‘National Skip Day’ itself, but forgot. Fuck you.
Now, for you kiddies who have been living under a box for your whole lives or who are just plain dense in the head, National Skip Day is a day where many little faggots don’t go to school. Simple enough.
I’m not pissed off because of the concept itself. If you want to stay home from school and eat a bucket of lard, by all means go ahead. I won’t have to go all Dr. Octagonapus on your ass.
…Dr. Octagonapus, you ask? (1:30) Alternatively, watch the second one, as he appears there too.
I have two problems with national skip day. Firstly, the word ‘national’. Calling something ‘national’ implies that everyone in the country is doing it, which isn’t true. You’re doing it, your faggot friends are doing it, but that’s about it. It’s not national at all. Bressani fucks think that they own the world. I’ll be damned if I know why, but they do. Anyhow, it’s that gay school that participates in the so-called "National Skip Day", not any decent human beings.
Secondly, the word "day." It’s not a single day. It’s closer to five per year. The day before christmas? ‘National Skip Day’. Before March break? ‘National Skip Day’. Before exams start? ‘National Skip Day’. Before Easter? ‘National Skip Day’. Before a Friday P.A. day? ‘National Skip Day’. You get the point.
Here’s an idea: Why not call it "Several Incredibly Localized Skip Days for Faggots"?
Or here’s an even better idea: Go to school, you fucking pussies.
Just remember: Snail racing should be made an olympic event.

Whadda Rush

Holy freaking hell comrades!
That was fucking off the… fucking…
Awesome fucking…
Mates, the past two nights have been fucking awesome. There aren’t words to describe how I’m feeling right now. I love talking, but right now I can’t think of what to say.
The play has been awesome. Everything has gone right, aside from a few minor shits.
I’m backstage, and the rush is still crazy.
I don’t know what happened, but just before the show something took hold of me, I fucking shouted at the top of my lungs "HOICKETY CHOICK ON C!!!"
I’ve never done that before. Knowing me, you would think I’d have done it a thousand times already, but no. To be honest, I was even a little nervous about trying. But I did, and I got the perfect response, which was of course 20 or so booming voices shouting: "S-M-C! HOICKETY CHOICK, HOICKETY CHOICK, CHALMA CHALMA CHI! RICKETY RACKETY RICKETY RACKETY S-M-C. CHI CHA RAH RAH, ST. MIKE’S, ST. MIKE’S RAH RAH HEYYYYYYYYY!!!!"
(Now, as a quick side note, right after the curtains closed, someone else decided to try and start a hoickety choick. The response he got was "S-M-C! HOICKETY CHOICK, HOICKETY CHOICK HEY WHAT ARE WE DOING! NOT NOW!" (When you try to start a hoickety choick and no one joins in, the result is mass embarrassment. Just imagine shouting a phrase like "HOICKETY CHOICK ON C!" in public.) I felt a bit bad for him, but at the same time glad that my hoickety choick was the only one that day.)
But yeah, whadda rush. The adrenaline was like POW! I’m still buzzing.
This has been one of the better weeks of my life in recent memory. 14 hour days of work and rehearsal, no more than 5 hours of sleep on any given night, and usually closer to 4 or even 3, but it’s all been made worthwhile in the last two nights. I’m a mess. I’m exhausted… but I feel amazing. Absolute madness. From shakeups to golden potatoes, to money bag mishaps, it’s just been fucking unreal.
You think I’m doing this again next year?

As Expected

So mates, I’m just chillin in the morning, and I hear this:
"Round one of the MK II tournament will be held at 3:00. Be there."
"Fucking shit!" thinks I. "I haven’t practiced in weeks. I’m screwed."
So three o’clock rolls around and I start hearing the victory road music in my head, as any normal person does when he’s about to play in a video game tournament.
If you don’t know what the elite four music sounds like, please tear your ears off immediately and incinerate them. They aren’t worthy of existing. Or… Just LEFT click download. You’ll be a decent human being if you do.
Well… more decent than you are now anyhow, which is like saying that the leafs are LESS shitty now that they’ve fired JFJ.
Anyhow, my enemy arrives, and I start hearing:
and the battle begins, and it changes to
and I realize… holy shit… this guy’s no pro. He’s a fucking nooblet! And I beat his ass down, suffering only one attack en route to a nearly flawless victory.
64 kids started, and by the end of tomorrow, there’ll be 32 left.


You kids are fucking dense, aren’t you?
Fear not, Kak is here to enlighten you.
Here’s a brief history of everything that ever mattered:
There have always been three great channels. Never more, never less. The three great channels have always been YTV, Teletoon, and Family.
The three great channels are almost never equal to each other. When you turn on your T.V., you can’t give your undivided attention to all three at once, so you gotta pick and choose a bit. There’s always one channel that you end up checking before the other two. That channel is #1. Then there’s the channel that you flip to in case nothing is on channel #1. That’s channel #2. Finally, the third great channel is your last resort. If nothing is on the first two channels, you flip there. If nothing is on any of those channels, then you’re screwed. Go outside and get some fucking excercise, you lazy bastard.
Anyhow, Back in the 90’s… Say 1994-1999, The #1 channel was YTV. Phil was the host of the Zone back then, along with Snit. Remember those two? No? Dipturds…
How about now? Good.
Yeah, YTV was amazing back then. Teletoon took second place, and Family sat in third.
The year 2000 rolled around, and Phil and Snit were replaced by Pat and Jenny, and the station started going downhill.
Meanwhile Teletoon had found some badass programming. Ned’s Newt, Donkey Kong Country, and Cow and Chicken (and I.M. Weasel), had helped Teletoon catch up to YTV in the late 90s, and Teletoon’s good fortunes continued into the new millenium. What’s With Andy pretty much sealed the deal, and Teletoon took over 1st place, leaving YTV in 2nd. Family was still catering to 2 year olds, and remained in 3rd.
It didn’t last forever though. Teletoon found itself relying on What’s With Andy too much, which wouldn’t have been a problem, except for the fact that YTV had a burst of brilliance around this time, with Spongebob Squarepants and The FairlyOdd Parents playing back to back as a duo of awesomeness. These two shows, along with a few others which I can’t be bothered to remember, brought YTV back to #1. Teletoon kept on falling.
Around 2002, Family began rising ever so slightly. Radio Free Roscoe was the first show to signal its rise out of oblivion, and with Teletoon faltering as it was, Family soon reached a tie for 2nd place, while YTV remained strong at #1.
One would think that Teletoon would have smartened up by 2005, but no. It somehow slipped further. Fumbling for product, it recently gave us the failures of Camp Lazlo, Iggy Arbuckle, and Wayside. 6Teen was a bright moment, but even that couldn’t overpower the combined shittiness of said three shows.
YTV didn’t really introduce anything new, but nor did they cancel anything old. Thus, they stayed at about the same level of greatness…
But Family? Oh boy…
Boy Meets World, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, back to back to back on weekend mornings. A never before attempted TRIO OF FUCKING AWESOMENESS. After years at the top, the Spongebob/Turner duo had been overcome! But Family just kept piling it on, with The Weekenders and Life With Derek adding to its already impressive lineup. YTV executives were shocked. How the hell were they to compete with that? That question is still being puzzled over today. Family appears to have a vicegrip on the position of #1 channel, more or less uncontested.
Or does it?
Recently, Family opted to replace Boy Meets World (a brilliant series, but aging…) with Wizards of Waverly Place, an attempt to mooch off the successes of Harry Potter. Is this the signal that Family’s time at the top is coming to an end, or is this just another brilliant move?
As for Teletoon, they’ve revived their Detour block as a shot in the dark, trying to generate some kind of momentum. Robot Chicken worked spectacularly. Is this a sign that Teletoon is coming into some grand fortune, or will this be just another 6Teen?
The only thing that is certain is this: Family is currently the greatest channel on the planet. Accept that fact, or just don’t bother breeding. Or breathing.
Remember kiddies: Any good kid can take over the world, but you’ve got to be a real dick to destroy it.

How to Make Friends, #1

Hola mates!
So, you kids remember my troubled past and stuff right?
Abusing trust and friendship, manipulating, the whole bit? Yeah? Good.
Now that I’m retired, I don’t have to keep my techniques secret anymore, so I figure I’ll let some of them out every once in a while. Try to use this for the forces of good, instead of evil, kay?
(But, if someone really deserves to have their ass pwned… well, I’ll look in the other direction.)
Anyhow, step one is always picking the perfect target.
The great thing about people is that there are so many of them. Good targets are everywhere. It’s all about picking the best one(s). There are a few criteria to evaluate each target on. Depending on what type of friendship you’re seeking, certain criteria are more important than others, but I’m going to assume that none of you are attempting anything malicious.
A) Appearence:
First off, you’ve gotta have a good looking target. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say, so personal preference is a factor here, but generally there’s some sort of agreement as to who’s hot and who’s not. Pick a hot friend, kiddies. Look for the things like blonde hair, blue eyes, green eyes, etc, that usually make people say ‘oooooooooooo! (s)he’s dreamy!’ Someone about the same height and weight as you is a good pick, although there are reasons for picking shorter or taller and fatter or skinnier people as well.
B) Intellegence:
This one all depends on your preference. Smart people are harder to manipulate, and thus, harder to make and maintain friendships with. At the same time, the rewards of having smart friends are more than worth the effort. Smart people tend to go places in life a lot more often than dumbfucks.
C) Athleticism:
People respect athletes, because they’re good at stuff. Atheletes are good people to know.
D) Class:
Perhaps the most important of all. You’ll want to go with someone from your own class level. Depending on which class you’re in, and the way your class structure is organized, this can be easy or hard. If you’re in the upper class, or if your class makes up 50% or more of the class demographic, you’re in trouble. Why? Well, people in the upper class are naturally more hateful, first of all. Second of all, the bigger the class, the more divided the people within it are, and the less tight the unity of the class is. I saw this back a few years. The upper class back then was slightly over 50% of the population, and they had civil wars all the time. The middle class was smaller, and tightly bound together. We were all friends, to some extent. Anyhow, I digress. Pick someone from within your own class, because it’s too much effort to try anything else.
E) Popularity:
Some people are loved, or at least respected, by everyone. Do yourselves a favour and love these people too.
F) Personality:
Common sense. If you love Pokemon, don’t befriend Digimon fanatics. I learned that lesson the hard way. If you’re loyal to Nintendo, don’t befriend Microsoft lovers. The Screwup and s3c0ndh4nd both learned that one the hard way. If you’re a Leafs fan… well, why the hell are you a Leaf fan? They’re crap. Don’t cheer for the Flames or Oilers either, they suck balls too. Watch curling.
Don’t pick someone who’s a complete opposite of you. Sometimes it works, but it usually doesn’t.
G) Mutual friends:

This one only applies to you if you have at least one friend already. Try to make friends with people who are friends with your pre-existing friends. It just makes things a hell of a lot easier, and there’s less of a chance you’ll have to sacrifice friends later on.

H) Your Interest:
Don’t be a fucking dumbass. Don’t pick someone who bores you or who you hate.
You know what? That’ll be all for now. It was boring? Yeah? Fuck you, they’ll get better. I just had to introduce this stuff so that you turds of the soil would understand the information yet-to-come.

As They Say

So, outside the lab, I see a sign:
Mortal Kombat Tournament
Postponed until next Thursday due to ninjas.
Priceless. Remember kids: The thesaurus is your friend.


Take rain, and lower the temperature a bit. You’ve got freezing rain. Lower the temperature a bit further. The freezing rain freezes and becomes ice. Wait a bit, and you’ve got a light snowfall, which will fall on top of the ice.
That, mates, is the recipe for the perfect storm. It’s a silent killer. Hardly impressive to watch happening, and yet the damage is spectcular. See, the whole concept of a car is based on the idea that there’s friction between the tires and the road. Put ice between the road and the car, and you’ve got a lot less friction. Add a light layer of powder snow, and you’ve got even less.
The result? Cars crash, people die, and the highway that connects me to my school is shut down for a day… in both directions.
Can you say fucking SNOW DAY?!?
Well, I guess it’s more of a freezing rain turned to ice covered by powder snow day, but the concept is the same. No school.
Now, in previous years I’ve taken a lot of shit from Calgarians and other westerners about what pussies we are when it comes to snow days. In some ways, yeah, I guess we are.
It’s been a while since that Quebec ice storm some years back. Quebec got hit by ice, and Ontario was left with several feet of snow falling on us. Now THOSE were some deserved snow days.
I don’t know if its global warming or what it is, but 25+ cm dumpings have become pretty rare recently. But see, it all works out. The old school was about a 30 second drive, and so even if hell’s fury itself descended upon the roads, it was still possible to drive to school, given the short distance. Snow days were only had when the school itself decided to close.
Now, the school is 30 minutes away via car, and Highway 400 is the lifeline connecting me to school. Suddenly, road conditions are a big deal. If the buses cancel (which they do at the first sign of trouble, the lazy bastards..), I have no way of getting to school. If the Highway 400 is closed, that half hour ride becomes a 2 hour ride, minimum.
Today, the buses cancelled, and the Highway 400 closed. Double whammy. Damned good thing that I turned down someone’s offer to drive me to school. See, the Highway ended up being closed in both directions. If, by some miracle, I had managed to get to school, I’d have had no way of getting back. Thank bejeezus or what, eh?
The downside is that I missed my MKII tournament match. 1 of 2 things could have happened.
Since the school was still open, it’s possible that enough people showed up that they decided to play today’s matches anyhow, in which case my absence means that I forfeit. In which case, fuck.
More likely though is that they’ll reschedule the match for another day. After all, about 30% of the people were probably away, and the dude who I was supposed to get owned by today also relies on the bus to get to school. Therefore, technically both of us would have forfeited. That’s too much paperwork. I think I’ll be fighting tomorrow.
Aut vincere aut mori, as they say.

Superior, Pt. 2

This started out as a comment, but became too bloody long, so its a blog now. Not happy? Please explode. Don’t like this blog? Please implode.
Jealous, Kelsey, as any sane human being would be! Notice the part about the Cross Country team.
"The Blue Harrier cross country running team is arguably the most successful in North America, having won 25 consecutive Toronto District Colleges Athletic Association (TDCAA) team titles, and having fielded over 19 teams which have won the Ontario Championship."
How fucking spectacular are we? We actually tied Jesus in a race once, y’know. We would’ve won, but he cheated and levitated for the last 500m. That Runner kid sure can run though.
And Melissa, dearest, you can’t handle the arch. You kids in general can’t handle the arch. Even I can’t handle the arch, and I’m fantasic. You… you’re mediocre, frankly. I could be generous and define you as lackluster, but since when am I generous, eh fuckslut? Here’s something interesting for you:
Even the very scum of the earth itself have you kids beat. I’d say sorry, but my mother told me not to lie. I’d fight you over the issue, but I’d prefer not to waste the effort. I would steal your soul, but I don’t want yours. The facts speak for itself. You can’t argue solid facts.
You can’t blame us for winning at almost everything, or for being obscenely rich, or for having the common sense to do something productive in our lives, besides drugs and sex.
Let’s not over-generalize here. Some of us kids are fucktards who don’t deserve to be here. Some of you kids are fucktards who should be here but decided to accept a lesser life.
Not all of us end up being minister of finance for Ontario, or owner of the Ottawa Senators, or the founder of Tim Hortons, or a player on the Edmonton Oilers, but some of us do. (Namely, Greg Sorbara, Eugene Melnyk, Tim Horton, and Andrew Cogliano [a player who has caused my hatred of the Oilers to lessen significantly]).
But the fact is that 9 out of 10 times, we’re better than you are. Smarter, richer, happier, more personality, better sense of humour, better contributors to society…
Better overall human beings.
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
"so what?"
And that, comrade, is why you will never be as good as we are.
Why do I have a superiority complex?
Honestly, how could I not?