I’ve fallen into an unpleasant pattern.

Talking to her feels as natural as breathing – and just as necessary. But I know I’m not supposed to right now, so I hold it in. I hold my breath.

For the first day or two I’m okay. But then I start to struggle against myself. I begin to forget about whatever positive things were said the last time we spoke. I start feeling alone, and forgotten. By the fifth day it’s unbearable. I need to say something. Anything. I just need to know if I still exist. I need to breathe. So I do.

I think overall I’ve done a good job of giving her space so far – our communication is probably less than 5% of what it normally would be. But whenever I say something, I feel guilty because I feel like I’m intruding on whatever it is she’s doing. I don’t want to disturb her, but the need to say something is just overwhelming sometimes.

Today is one of those times. Tonight is the monthly swing event over there – usually her favourite night of the month. And even though it’s something I’m usually not present for, I’ve made sure to either skype her or have her send a picture before she goes, so that I can tell her how beautiful she looks. And she always looks beautiful. Every single time.

And so at this very moment, 3000 miles away, there is a woman I love who looks absolutely stunning. And for the first time, I can’t tell her how wonderful she looks.

 

And Barry, if you’re listening, I still love you.

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