I am not a good person. It would be better if I disappeared.

I don’t know how we got to this point, because four months ago I was a good person. I know I was. I used to bring joy to people. I used to make people happy.

And now all I do is hurt people, just by talking to them.

I talk to Sue and it makes her miserable. Sometimes she doesn’t even respond anymore because I’ve hurt her with what I’ve said.

I talk to Lizzie and it hurts her because she likes the other guy better than me and doesn’t want to lose his friendship.

I talk to my parents and it hurts them that I don’t do the things that they want me to do.

I talk to Jessie and it makes her feel guilty, and she eventually just tells me to go away so I won’t hurt her anymore. And that’s the worst one of all, because all I want to do is to love her and be loved by her like I did for almost six years. Instead I’ve been an immense source of pain for her, non-stop, for months on end. That’s pathetic.

I love all of these people. All I want is for them to be happy. And I used to be able to make them happy. But now I just can’t stop hurting them. Everything I say to them hurts them. But I talk to them anyhow because I’m selfish. And they’ve all turned on me now. As they should.

If I disappeared, things would be better for all of them. Sue wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. Lizzie would be able to have her new friend without feeling bad. Jessie wouldn’t have to make any decisions. I wouldn’t disappoint my parents anymore.

I wish that I was still a good person. I don’t know how this happened, but somehow we’ve reached a point where the world would be better off without me in it.

I don’t know who’s reading, and I don’t know who cares, but I’m sorry to the whole world for being the way I am right now. I’m trying so damned hard to fight but it’s hard when you’ve lost everyone and everything you loved.

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