It’s nice to escape every now and then.

Sometimes I escape for a few hours by diving into a video game, and sometimes I escape for a few weeks by visiting and subsequently being visited by two of my favourite people in the world.

But now I’m firmly back in reality, and I’m not sure I like it here.

For four weeks there I could kind of pretend that what happened in August never happened, or that it wasn’t significant. But of course, it did happen, and it was significant.

I could have been relaxed right now. I could have been secure in the knowledge that I will be working in downtown Toronto next year and making X amount of dollars. Somewhere out there, there was a combination of words and behaviours and facial expressions that would have landed me one of those eight jobs, but I just couldn’t piece them together. Whatever happens now, I’ve missed out on the opportunity to work for some employers that I really wanted to work for, and my life going forward is going to be significantly different from what it would have been if I’d landed one of those jobs.

Now that I’ve had a few days to ruminate on it, I’m angry. Mostly at myself, because I know that even though I did my best, I made some stupid mistakes throughout the course of those two days that I wish I could take back.

I’m also angry at (or perhaps just jealous of) my classmates – the ones who secured positions because of nepotism or luck or just being better at interviews than I am. They’re relaxed, they’re calm, and they’re pleased with themselves. I’m none of those three, and to be frank I feel that I’m more deserving than some of them.

It didn’t help that while I was away I lost an allegedly random ballot for my placement and ended up with a less desirable one. Nor that I didn’t get one of the 11 TA positions that I had applied for when I felt that I was a lock for one. I sent an email politely asking “what the fuck?”, but (unsurprisingly) I never received a response.

Honestly, I just want a win. This past Call Day aside, I’m on such a losing streak right now that I’ve stopped keeping track of all the disappointments.