Last night’s Floor 12 II conversation featured a segment on superpowers. You know, that clichéd conversation about what superpowers you’d like to have. The results were typical: Invisibility. Flight. Teleportation. Time travel.

One of the most interesting superpowers – and one which I certainly would not want – is that of mind-reading.  I don’t know about you guys, but my mind is one foul, foul place. If the same is true of other people, then there’s a lot of shit that I don’t want to know in peoples’ heads.

Now, what would be an awesome power is the exact opposite of mind-reading. That is, the ability to force someone to hear what you’re thinking. Telepathy, in other words.

Let me just clarify a few things:

1. The person you’re speaking to would be unaware of who the thought came from unless you told them. They’d hear the thought in their heads coming from an external source, but would be unable to distinguish who the external source is.

2. Because this isn’t mind-reading, it only works in one direction. You can’t listen in on other peoples’ thoughts. You can only insert your own into their minds.

Despite the limitations that come with caveat #2, think of all the practical applications!

  • You could haunt your enemies.
  • You’d be a hell of a lot better at Euchre.
  • You’d send way fewer text messages.

And… um…

Well there’s not much more, really. Except for one all-important thing:

 

The ability to call people out with impunity.

Look, everyone needs to be called out every now and then. On occasion, everyone goes a little too far with a joke, or unintentionally says something hurtful, or otherwise acts like a prick. I’m certainly guilty from time to time. And when someone does this, they need to be called out. A very simple “You’re being a dick” generally does the trick.

No one likes being called out. It’s not pleasant. It’s embarrassing to be called out in front of a group of people. It’s damaging to one’s pride. Nevertheless it’s necessary from time to time to keep our egos in check.

The problem is that it’s not socially acceptable to call out a stranger. You can call out your friends, since in the end they’ll understand that you’re calling them out for their own good. But calling out a stranger meets with hostility and tends to create conflict.

That’s why telepathy would be so awesome.

I was sitting in lecture about two hours ago when this woman (let’s call her a bitch) was telling a friend a story in that nasally tone of voice that bitches tend to use. WHILE THE PROFESSOR WAS TALKING.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the tale she wove was a truly epic tale about getting “absolutely fucked” on the weekend and “misplacing $300”. She woke up in a hotel room with two guys (but don’t worry, nothing happened), and then proceeded to brutally dump her boyfriend over the phone. At the end of her story she declared “Yeah… I’m a fucking bitch.”

 

Now wouldn’t it be nice if at that moment I could have just telepathically said something simple like “Then shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch.”

Harsh. But deservedly so. Some people just need to be called out.

 

Of course, there are other ways to deal with such bitches, but that’ll be next week’s topic.

 

Advertisements