Let me start off by saying that I’m a filthy capitalist. I believe that markets should be free to govern themselves. While I think that some government regulation is a good thing, and while I support the welfare state, I still subscribe to the basic belief that commerce should be largely left to the invisible hand of supply and demand. (Nice rhyme eh?)

Now then, onto the rant itself:

People from Woodbridge are largely stupid. Everyone knows this.

In the universe that I inhabit, your status on the social ladder up to the age of 18 (and sometimes beyond) is largely determined by your ability (or willingness) to conform to the stupidity that surrounds you. If your vocabulary consists of more than five words, you’re not going to fit in well. If you can do basic math, you’re a loser.

Fashion is another very important aspect of conformity in Woodbridge. The first thing that most outsiders notice when they arrive in Woodbridge is how everyone looks the same. This isn’t the effect of some unfortunate inbreeding. Rather, it’s a conscious attempt on the part of the scum that live here to try and be the same as everyone else. So on a typical stroll through Woodbridge you’ll see girls with their hair exactly the same, all wearing TNA pants and making every attempt to show as much skin as possible, even in Winter. The boys too all have similar hairstyles, all wear the same hats, all have the same mannerisms when they speak, etc. I often wonder how they tell each other apart, since the differences between any of them are negligible. It’s probably made easier by the fact that all of them are named “bro”.

But I digress.

Now, every once in a while a new trend emerges that takes Woodbridge by storm. Being a conformist society, Woodbridge is incredibly susceptible to trends in the fashion world. Some of these trends – such as TNA pants – stick and become permanent fixtures of Woodbridge’s culture. Others, such as the white winter coats of the early 2000s, die out over time.

Usually these trends are harmless. In fact, they’re always harmless. But in general they don’t bother me to the point where I need to post a blog about one.

The latest trend is the Canada Goose Jacket. Recently I passed by Father Bressani High School (AKA Scum Central), and the majority of people standing outside were wearing these.

Nothing too crazy, right? Stuffed with duck and goose down, and with a coyote fur hood. It’s a nightmare for PETA I’m sure, but personally I could care less what it’s made out of.

Recently I found myself in one of the stores that sells these jackets, and out of sheer morbid curiosity I took a look at the price tag. I was absolutely horrified by what I saw. I was expecting to see something in the $150 to $200 price range. Hefty, but not ridiculous. Do you know what I saw? Not $200. Not $300. Not $500.


FOR A JACKET! And these people – these pathetic excuses for human beings who have never worked a day in their lives – are lapping them up like they’re nothing! Of course, they’re not paying for these jackets – their parents are!

I don’t know which is the worst  – the fact that these jackets cost $600, the fact that the kids are demanding $600 jackets, or the fact that the parents are actually buying them! It’s one big clusterfuck of consumerism at its worst. And nothing can be done to change this trend now that it’s become so huge.

Think of all the better ways $600 could be spent:

  • A trip to Montreal.
  • A video game system + five games.
  • 30-40 music albums. And by music I don’t mean deadmau5.
  • 50 books. You know, for reading.
  • 150 vanilla bean frappuccinos at Starbucks.
  • 4800 timbits.

Any one of these options would be infinitely better. But no. Stupidity reigns supreme.

In theory this shouldn’t bother me. I mean, I’m not affected by what other people choose to blow their money on. But there’s just something really revolting about the fact that people are in these stores as we speak, fighting over the right to buy the last remaining $600 jacket.

Maybe Communist Ernie is onto something.