Archive for December, 2011


Blog #500

As you might have guessed from the title, this is the 500th blog posted here. Crazy stuff eh?

I still remember sitting in my room six and a half years ago writing out blog #1. I had a different desk back then, and a different computer, and was on a different website, and my grammar was god-awful, but the experience was still very similar. I mashed buttons on a keyboard for a bit before hitting the publish button and hoping that someone would see my drivel and comment on it.

I was 14 years old then. Now I’m almost 21. I wonder how my 14 year old self would react to seeing this space now. On the one hand, I imagine he’d be repulsed by some of what I’ve become. I’ve certainly changed over the course of these 500 blogs, and while I feel like these changes have been made for the better, my 14 year old self might disagree.

On the other hand, I think he’d be proud to see that I’ve kept this thing going for so long. I may not post ten blogs per month anymore, but I’ve continued to pump them out at a regular rate. One thing I used to worry about is that I would one day run out of material. What I’ve found is that life itself provides a ton of material. Seeing people dodging puddles on campus can inspire a blog. Seeing a communist with a funny voice can inspire a blog. Woodbridge has been the inspiration for a great many blogs about stupid people doing stupid things.

Life is damned interesting. And not just mine – I think that if you look closely enough at anyone’s life you’ll find some really cool things. As for myself, the next adventure begins tomorrow and I need to get some sleep. So as I’ve done 499 times before, I shall click the “Publish” button and pray for comments.

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RANT #21: Canada Goose Jackets

Let me start off by saying that I’m a filthy capitalist. I believe that markets should be free to govern themselves. While I think that some government regulation is a good thing, and while I support the welfare state, I still subscribe to the basic belief that commerce should be largely left to the invisible hand of supply and demand. (Nice rhyme eh?)

Now then, onto the rant itself:

People from Woodbridge are largely stupid. Everyone knows this.

In the universe that I inhabit, your status on the social ladder up to the age of 18 (and sometimes beyond) is largely determined by your ability (or willingness) to conform to the stupidity that surrounds you. If your vocabulary consists of more than five words, you’re not going to fit in well. If you can do basic math, you’re a loser.

Fashion is another very important aspect of conformity in Woodbridge. The first thing that most outsiders notice when they arrive in Woodbridge is how everyone looks the same. This isn’t the effect of some unfortunate inbreeding. Rather, it’s a conscious attempt on the part of the scum that live here to try and be the same as everyone else. So on a typical stroll through Woodbridge you’ll see girls with their hair exactly the same, all wearing TNA pants and making every attempt to show as much skin as possible, even in Winter. The boys too all have similar hairstyles, all wear the same hats, all have the same mannerisms when they speak, etc. I often wonder how they tell each other apart, since the differences between any of them are negligible. It’s probably made easier by the fact that all of them are named “bro”.

But I digress.

Now, every once in a while a new trend emerges that takes Woodbridge by storm. Being a conformist society, Woodbridge is incredibly susceptible to trends in the fashion world. Some of these trends – such as TNA pants – stick and become permanent fixtures of Woodbridge’s culture. Others, such as the white winter coats of the early 2000s, die out over time.

Usually these trends are harmless. In fact, they’re always harmless. But in general they don’t bother me to the point where I need to post a blog about one.

The latest trend is the Canada Goose Jacket. Recently I passed by Father Bressani High School (AKA Scum Central), and the majority of people standing outside were wearing these.

Nothing too crazy, right? Stuffed with duck and goose down, and with a coyote fur hood. It’s a nightmare for PETA I’m sure, but personally I could care less what it’s made out of.

Recently I found myself in one of the stores that sells these jackets, and out of sheer morbid curiosity I took a look at the price tag. I was absolutely horrified by what I saw. I was expecting to see something in the $150 to $200 price range. Hefty, but not ridiculous. Do you know what I saw? Not $200. Not $300. Not $500.

$600.

FOR A JACKET! And these people – these pathetic excuses for human beings who have never worked a day in their lives – are lapping them up like they’re nothing! Of course, they’re not paying for these jackets – their parents are!

I don’t know which is the worst  – the fact that these jackets cost $600, the fact that the kids are demanding $600 jackets, or the fact that the parents are actually buying them! It’s one big clusterfuck of consumerism at its worst. And nothing can be done to change this trend now that it’s become so huge.

Think of all the better ways $600 could be spent:

  • A trip to Montreal.
  • A video game system + five games.
  • 30-40 music albums. And by music I don’t mean deadmau5.
  • 50 books. You know, for reading.
  • 150 vanilla bean frappuccinos at Starbucks.
  • 4800 timbits.

Any one of these options would be infinitely better. But no. Stupidity reigns supreme.

In theory this shouldn’t bother me. I mean, I’m not affected by what other people choose to blow their money on. But there’s just something really revolting about the fact that people are in these stores as we speak, fighting over the right to buy the last remaining $600 jacket.

Maybe Communist Ernie is onto something.

Communist Ernie

The world we live in contains an infinite number of opinions. As decent human beings, we should be tolerant of views which differ from our own.

The problem is that sometimes we’re faced with people who are so utterly ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh.

Imagine, if you will, a red-blooded communist. Powerful. Strong-willed. Determined to dismantle capitalism, one brick at a time. As a visual, let’s take my buddy Lenin.

Now, give Lenin the visage and voice of Ernie.

This, my friends, is communist Ernie. Every Wednesday communist Ernie stands in the entrance to Sidney Smith Hall and tries to give people copies of his Marxist newspaper. “Marxist newspaper!” he cries. “Worker’s vanguard! Spartacists!”

And as he offers you the paper, he gives you a glance with all of the intensity of a disgruntled puppet.

I try so hard not to laugh, but I can’t help it. Usually I manage to cover my mouth in time in order to hide my laughter, but there have been a few times where he’s taken me by surprise and I’ve ended up laughing in his face. How terrible is that? Here’s a man who is fighting for what he believes in, and I’m laughing at him.

But you know, I don’t really feel bad about it. You’ve got to respect people’s beliefs, but there’s a limit to it. Some people you just have to laugh at.

Enjoy the little things, kiddies!

New Year’s Resolution

Ah, New Year’s resolutions. What a fantastic concept.

I’ve never made one myself. But I love the idea of picking the start of a new year as the time to make a change for the better.

Now, I’m not one for revolutionary resolutions. I don’t see the need to turn my life on its head come January 1st. I’m at a healthy weight. I’m at peace with pretty much everybody. I also happen to be a great human being.

With that said, I’ve decided to make at least one resolution this year. One tiny thing I feel will improve my quality of life ever so slightly.

Facebook profile pictures.

For as long as I’ve had Facebook, I have never once had a picture of myself as my Facebook profile picture. If you have me on Facebook (and if you’re reading this, odds are that you do), take a look at that history. I’ve had some hockey references, some Italian flags, a Pokemon, a villainous pope, two images relating to a certain awesome Christmas movie, and some old symbols from the days when I used to write stories in this place. Right now I’ve got Cyanize’s up. Memories, eh?

But let’s face it. Times have changed. I haven’t posted as Cyanize or s3c0ndh4nd in years now, and in the meantime the world has moved on. Everyone has pictures of themselves on Facebook now, except for the losers. I’ve become obsolete! A relic of the early Facebook days when it was funny to have a picture of a fat person as your profile picture!

But no more. Come this January, I join the ranks of the millions who use photos of themselves as their profile pictures. So let it be written, so let it be done.