Guys, I have a really insignificant gripe for you tonight:

Hands-free soap dispensers. What the fuck is up with those things?

Yes, they’re a lot of fun to play with, and yes they make a lovely foamy mess everywhere, but I’m still not happy about their existence.

Here’s the thing: Hands-free dispensers were created to prevent people from touching filthy soap pumps.

Picture this. You’re in the dirtiest bathroom of all time. You go to wash your hands after a satisfying dump, and notice that the soap pump is covered in piss, and shit, and semen. But whatever. You use it anyway, thus covering your already dirty hands in piss, and shit, and semen.

Tell me, kiddies, after using this filthy soap pump, what is the next thing you do?


Unless you’re the sort of person who takes stupidity to new heights, the first thing you do after using any soap dispenser, hands-free or not, is wash your hands.

Meanwhile, you’ve got those fuckers from Lysol saying “Soap pumps have 100 trillion different types of bacteria on them, each of which can kill you in 20 different ways. IF YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN TOUCH SOAP PUMPS, THEY WILL DIE.”

Long story short, hands-free soap pumps are the third greatest scam of the 21st century, behind only the stock market and electric cars.