It’s probably happened to you before where a friend tosses you a URL and says “Read my blog!”

Your first thought might be along the lines of “Oh wow, Juliet has a blog? I had no idea!” So you go to check it out.

When you get there… It’s awful.You remember that scene from Daddy Day Care where Eddie Murphy ventures into his washroom after that kid has used it and finds piss everywhere? It’s like that. Run-on sentences, awful phrasing, emoticons everywhere, butchered grammar structures… The works.

And then the person finds you later on and asks you “Did you read my blog?”, and you’re forced to choke out between gritted teeth “Yeah, it was really interesting!”

For my part, I hate blogs.

Actually, let me qualify that: I hate most blogs other than this one.

There’s a simple reason for this: Most blogs suck. By and large, blogs are poorly written pieces of crap on the outermost edges of the Internet that are self-indulgent, overly dramatic, poorly written, painful to read, and just plain boring. I would rather spend an afternoon watching paint dry than going through most blogs.

I feel slightly guilty saying that, but it’s just how I feel. And if you think that’s hypocritical, stop reading now, because it gets worse.

I think that the main reason that I hate blogs is not because of the blogs themselves, but because of the people who write them. They’re fine people and all (for the most part), but they all seem to share one tiny flaw.

See, the problem with bloggers is that they think that they’re writers. They don’t recognize that there’s a distinct difference between writing and being a writer.

Anyone can write, just as anyone can paint or dance. But even though I have painted and danced before, I don’t call myself a painter or a dancer. If you’ve seen my skills on the canvas or on the dance floor, you know why. I can dance and paint, but I can’t do either well.

In the same way, most people who write blogs can write, but they can’t write well. And the problem is that they think they can write well, when really they’re spewing out unreadable garbage.

It should be noted that good spelling and grammar does not equal good writing. As an example, I’ll show you an entry from a blog that I was recently asked to read. I hesitate in posting this, due to the meanness factor, but I will anyhow to illustrate my point. Without further ado, here’s an entry entitled “I Love Sneezes.”:

“I sneezed out a fountain of memories. They were pleasant and unpleasant, in liquid and solid form. Some memories were from recent history or a long time ago. Yet they were all successful and very comforting. I glared at the memories which were gross and felt embaressed. And smiles when I saw ones that lasted long and endured obstacles. It was a good sneeze, I feel satisfied and comforted. Even a bit relieved.”

How are you supposed to react when someone asks you to read such a thing? The spelling and grammar is more or less spot on, but it’s garbage. Absolute garbage. This is what I mean when I say that although everyone can write, not everyone can write well.

You might be thinking “Mike, you asshole! What gives you the right to determine what is good writing and what isn’t?”

Well, I can write, and I can write well. And sure, that may sound arrogant, but it’s true. Look, in the nearly six years that I’ve been running this place, I’ve learned a thing or two. I know how to put words together so that they sound good. Even though the subject matter that I deal with isn’t always interesting, I can usually make it sound interesting anyhow.

In short, my blog doesn’t suck, which gives me the authority to call out people whose blogs suck balls.

You don’t like it? Start up a blog and complain.

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