I know that this isn’t what I initially said I was going to talk about, but this is just far more topical. Besides, I’m sure my millions of adoring fans won’t abandon me over this, right?


So, hosting a party. Let me start off by saying that I think that if you’re the one hosting the party, you should have a certain degree of power in deciding how shit gets done. It doesn’t matter if you’re the one who first said "Hey, let’s have a party!". All that matters is that the party is taking place at your house. You can disagree if you’d like, but if you do you’re stupid and I hate you.

There are limits to the host’s power, of course. A host cannot unilaterally decide on a theme, for example. He or she should consult the rest of the partygoers before choosing a theme that is suitable for a majority of people. At the same time, the guests should not decide on a theme without first consulting the host. A good host should not reject a theme that has already been agreed upon by a majority of guests. However, a host has every right to reject a theme that is submitted by a small minority of the guests, and to call those guests stupid.

As a purely hypothetical example, if I were hosting a small party tonight at 6:45 Eastern (5:45 Central), and a small minority of the guests were to go on Facebook and say "OK EVRY1, DRESS IN BLACK N WHITEE BCUZ IT WILL B RLY KEWL LOLOLOL AHAA!!", I would have every right to say "Shut up, you stupid bitch. Learn to speak English before telling my guests what to do."

Another point of contention is RSVPing. This one is very simple: If you’re a guest, tell the host whether you’ll be attending or not, and do so well in advance. Sometimes guests fail to realize that there is more to hosting a party than simply opening and closing the front door. Caterers need to be called, reservations need to be made, etc. These things cannot be done if the host does not have an accurate number of attendees.

To continue my purely hypothetical example, it would give me endless rage and hatred if, on the eve of my party, multiple people were unsure as to whether or not they would be attending. If I had made reservations at Turtle Jack’s (The finest Muskoka Grill house in Ontario, since 1992. Now with 15 locations, including 3883 Rutherford Road in Woodbridge), it would be terribly unfortunate if more people showed up than had said they would, because this could result in the reservation becoming void.

Furthermore, a good guest should speak to the host directly about their RSVP status. If you will be attending the party, tell the host directly. If you will not be attending the party, tell the host directly. If you have previously said that you would be attending the party but have since found out that you cannot attend, tell the host directly. If you have previously said that you would not be attending the party, but have since found out that you can attend, tell the host directly. If a meteorite strikes you in the head and knocks you unconscious ten minutes before the party that you said you would be attending, tell the host directly.


-Change your RSVP status on Facebook and think you’ve done your duty.
-Tell everyone other than the host about your RSVP status.
-Change your mind three times in a week.
-Attempt to contact the host via:

  • Mail
  • Carrier pidgeon
  • Smoke signals
  • Morse code
  • Telepathy
  • Message in a bottle

Instead, use faster and more conventional methods such as:

  • The Telephone
  • E-mail
  • Text message
  • Writing on their Facebook wall, assuming they’re the type of person who checks that sort of thing.

It is incredibly irksome if a host has to find out from someone else whether or not you will be attending his or her party. If the host is a bitch, you can probably get away with this. If, however, your host is a vengeful and vindictive human being, he or she will go out of his or her way to make sure that you have a shitty time at the party.

Oh, and one more thing. I almost forgot to mention it because it’s common sense, but some people have trouble with common sense so I’ll say it anyhow:

Do not invite your friends to a party which is not your own unless the host specifically allows you to. If the host has not said "Don’t bring any friends.", this does not mean "Bring all your friends!". The absolute worst thing you could do would be to not tell the host anything, and then show up at the host’s front door at 6:45 Eastern (3:45 Pacific) with a couple of random people in tow. This would most assuredly fill the host with a thousand hates, and possibly cause him or her to scissor-kick you in the face.

But I’m sure that you guys aren’t stupid enough to pull any of that shit, right?