I’m not too sure how I feel about life at the moment.

On the plus side, I just received confirmation from UofT that my application was received, and that everything is going swimmingly so far. My biggest fear was that something would go horribly wrong, and my application would get lost in the Internet somewhere, or that I would be rejected because of some silly technicality like making a typo or something.

Also on the plus side is that I went to a hockey game in Ottawa yesterday to watch the Flames take on the Senators. I was so sad when I was forced to miss the annual Flames/Leafs game in Toronto due to school, and assumed that I wouldn’t be able to watch my boys play at all this year. Then I remembered that Kingston is close to not one but two NHL cities, and as luck would have it, Queen’s itself was selling tickets to the game for cheap. So, I picked up a ticket.

I assumed that because of Ottawa’s proximity to Kingston, the whole bus would be packed with Senators fans. Not so. As it turned out, there were several dozen Flames fans on the bus compared to only three Senators fans. And a lot of those Flames fans were girls, too. And these girls knew hockey. It was mind-blowing, honestly. See, of the female friends I have in this world, a grand total of zero are into hockey. Most of them completely ignore the sport, and a few of them have a passing knowledge, but none of them really follow the sport like I do. And to hear these girls on the bus using phrases like "Defensive depth", and "Versatile player" just made me fall madly in love with all of them.

The game itself sucked because the Flames lost. They always lose when I go. It’s funny. They hadn’t won in Toronto since 2002, and then the one year that I decided not to go to the game, they broke the losing streak. But still, it was a good time with good people. I enjoyed myself.

Despite the recent good times, I’m not feeling all that great. There are two reasons for this, I think.

The first reason pertains to my UofT application. It’s great that the application process is going well, and it will be great if/when I receive the news that I’ve been accepted, but so what? The thing is, none of that guarantees that I’ll be better off next year. My happiness next year is riding largely on whether or not I can regain most of the friends that I’ve lost through this Queen’s adventure. If so, I’m golden. If not, then I’m not going to be much better off than I am now. It’s not a good state of mind to be in, but it’s how I’m thinking right now.

The second reason pertains to the recent Ottawa trip. I met a few decent people on that trip. Nathan, Mike, Emily… all good people. Looking at my countdown clock though, I’ve got 79 days left here. That means that I can’t be getting attached to people right now, since I’m going to have to leave them behind soon anyhow.

The other thing is that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to care about anything. I don’t have much motivation to study, or write essays, or any of that because really it doesn’t matter. Credits transfer, but grades don’t. Simply put, as long as I get into U of T, nothing else matters. There’s no difference in my official transcript between getting a 75 and getting a 95. So, why should I work for the 95 when my life will be absolutely the same with a 75?

Basically, most of what I do right now has no long term rewards or consequences. Academically and socially, I’m living for the next 79 days only. That’s making it very hard to care. I’m just taking it day by day right now. It’s not a great strategy for life, but it’ll get me by for now.

Advertisements