1. You need to spend time in an environment in order to enjoy it.
2. I enjoy spending time at home more than I do spending time at Queen’s.Accepting these two premises as true, I’m left in sort of a vicious cycle. Only, since it affects almost every aspect of my day-to-day living, it’s more than a vicious cycle. It’s more of a Cycle of Doom. Here’s how it works:

I like being home more than here. So, on weekends, I try to go home if at all possible. However, if I’m going to start enjoying myself here, I need to be spending more time here (i.e. weekends) in order to find new things to do, make friends, develop relationships, etc.

But, given the choice between being here and being home, I pick home. Therefore, I spend less time here, and therefore I enjoy being here less and less, which makes my desire to be home even stronger, which means that I go home even more, which means that I enjoy being here even less, and around and around we go.

How did this cycle start if my feelings towards Queen’s were neutral or even positive in the beginning? Simple. Spending a weekend here is a big unknown. In the beginning (and even now, to a certain extent), weekends here vary. Some are enjoyable, some are not. It varies. And given the choice between something that might be enjoyable and something that I know is enjoyable, I’ll pick what I know every time.

It’s for this same reason that I’ve more or less been sticking with the friends that I’ve known for years as opposed to making new ones. Why risk starting a relationship with someone who may or may not be a decent human being when I already have people that I know are decent human beings? I know it sounds like a bad strategy, but at this point I’ve been forced into maintaining it in order to be content in the short-term. It’s one of the branches of the Cycle of Doom. I hang out with my old friends, which means that I make fewer new friends, which makes me want to hang out with my old friends even more, which means that I my relationships with any new people are even further strained, and around and around we go.

I’m entirely aware that the Cycle of Doom is something that I’m maintaining of my own free will. The cycle isn’t being maintained by some guy with a gun to my head yelling “Go home on weekends, or I’ll blow your fucking brains out!” It’s kept going by my desire to be happy in the short run. I could easily say “Despite the fact that I’d be happier at home, I’m going to stay here this weekend in order to grow closer with the community, thus sacrificing short-term benefits for long-term ones.” or “Despite the fact that I’d be happier hanging out with these old friends of mine, I’m going to hang out with these new friends in order to develop our relationships, thus sacrificing short-term benefits for long-term ones.”

The thing is, I’m not really inclined to do that because of the risk involved. Staying here on weekends might change my opinion of this place for the better, but it might not. Hanging out with new friends might make me closer to them, but it might not.

And there are alternatives. That’s what was lacking the last time I found myself in a similar situation. At the end of grade 10, after the Wrigley Field Incident, I was left in a state of having few friends. And in that case, I had no alternatives. No matter what, I would be stuck in that school from 8:30 to 2:30 every day, and my only options were to adapt, or become extinct. Then, I was forced to make new friends, since the only alternative was constant discontent for two years.

But now, I have alternatives. It’s no longer a case of “adapt, or become extinct.” It’s now “adapt, cling to what you have, or become extinct.” And I’m clinging as hard as I can.

Of course, there is a way to solve all of these problems. I just need 24 days.

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