Archive for June, 2008
Here I am, leading an enemy army towards my home. I am surrounded by people who hate me. The only thing keeping me sane is the thought that perhaps soon I shall return to my friends. The last thing I need is another problem to deal with.
Losers in life find themselves
Entrenched in their own personal hell. You’re
Two feet away. "Everything’s well", you say, but I know it’s not.
My mind is plagued by that one memory.
Everything is razed by that one story.
Onwards! Life waits for no man,
Unless you’ll wait too; I know that you can.
Talk a minute, walk a mile
Open up and pop a smile,
For anything is possible if you stop and take a stand.
Maybe someday
You won’t be so lazy,
But ’til that day comes you’ll be driving me crazy.
Running around, rumors abound, they’re true: I’d do
Anything for you, to get us back to blue.
Illicit, even, if you’d just be explicit. The
Nightmares have stopped, but I’m still horrified.
And after reading this I am reminded of what I did to Kid. I had never really forgotten, but the pain had been far off in the background until now. It has been over a year now, but somehow I can still feel the effects. The nightmares do still occur, albeit they are far rarer than they used to be. Just thinking about him wounds me somewhere deep inside.
I swear upon all that I hold dear that if I survive this ordeal I will find some way to apologize to him. Will he talk to me? Unlikely. But there has to be some way to let him know how I feel.
I absolutely, completely, and steadfastly refuse to get old. It’s just not an option for me. So, next year at around this time, I’ll leave and none of you will ever see me alive again.
The question you might be asking is: "What’s wrong with getting old?"
Nothing, for most people. But it’s my worst nightmare.
I’m different than most people, I guess you could say. I haven’t been here very long, but I think you’ve all had a chance to get to know me fairly well, so you know that I love kids. Love. I think that kids are the greatest people alive, and honestly I would much rather spend an afternoon with a twelve year old than with someone my age or older. And, whenever possible, I do that.
But there will come a point when I won’t be able to anymore. Most kids have the "Don’t talk to strangers" rule engraved into their minds. You’ll notice, though, that this rule doesn’t apply to other kids. If a ten year old approaches another ten year old and starts talking to him or her, you’ll never hear one of the kids say "Sorry, I’m not supposed to talk to strangers." It just doesn’t happen that way.
Up to now, I’ve been pretty safe. I don’t look very threatening, and so kids let their guard down around me. They trust me, and I’d die before I’d betray that trust. I love them, like I said, and they respect me.
Eventually I’m going to hit that point where I’ll cease to be someone to respect and start to be someone to fear. Can you imagine how hard that would be for me to accept? Having the people I love fear me? I won’t stand for it.
The other thing is that adults are expected to behave in an adult fashion. Adults aren’t supposed to interact with kids in the way that I want to. I’d be quickly labeled as a pedophile. And in the end, that’s what I am, I guess. Not in the modern, child-molester usage of the word. I’ll go on the record as saying that I believe that sexual abuse of children should be punishable by death, and that’s not an exaggeration. Besides killing a child (which I believe should be punished by torture, followed by a slow, painful death), I believe it is the most foul crime on earth. But I digress. I am a pedophile in the classic Greek sense of the word Paidophilia. Pais (meaning child), and philia (meaning love or friendship). That’s me in essence: A lover of children. I don’t want to molest them, or hurt them in any way. I just want to befriend them. Protect them. Laugh with them. Share their good times and their bad. Hold them close, let them know that I’m there for them. That’s all I want.
And because of my way of thinking, other adults will shun me and cast me aside. I can live with that.
What I can’t live with is the fact that my beloved ones will soon fear me, and will reject me. I refuse to live in such a world.
One year is all I have left to enjoy.