Archive for April, 2008


"How weird is that? The one time I don’t set myself a timeframe, and I end up getting to my goal in record time."
"I guess you’re just one of those guys who can’t perform under pressure." teased Cody.
"Anyhow," Mike glared, but his expression immediately softened. "What do you think of this idea: I give you magic powers."
"Magic powers?" Cody raised an eyebrow.
"That didn’t come out right. Let me try again: Everything you’re going through is just a test to see if you’re responsible enough to hold the power of time travel."
"I get to control time?" Cody’s eyes went wide. "Mike, that’s amazing!"
"Not just time. See, I figure that if I give you the power to control time, you and your friends should get some other ones as well. The ability to see the unseen, mind reading, telekinesis… maybe even some pyrokinesis."
"Pyrokinesis? What kind of trouble are you gonna get me in that I’m going to need to set things on fire?"
"I figure that maybe there’s more at risk here than just your friendships. Maybe the whole world is at stake? I don’t know. I was thinking about making the planet itself die, somehow. But I don’t-"
"Hold up," interrupted Cody. "Let me get this straight: Mind reading, time control, telekinesis, pyrokinesis, and the earth dying? Have you been playing Golden Sun again?"
"I have actually," blushed Mike. "But this’ll be different. You won’t have to climb any lighthouses, I promise."
"Do I get to learn to use a sword?" asked Cody excitedly.
"If I decide to go in this direction, then yes."
"Sweet deal!" Then Cody paused. "Wait. ‘If’ you decide to go in that direction?"
"Yeah. If."
"What’s option B?"
"Option B is the original plan: No series. Just end it with you getting everything back that you’ve lost."
"What would you write about then?" asked Cody.
"I have an idea for another character. A real jerk. Zack would be his name. He’d-"
"Hold on again," interrupted Cody.
"Holding on."
"My name is Cody, right?"
"And now you’re thinking of making a character named Zack."
"So together, we’d be Zack and Cody?" Cody smirked.
"Whoa!" Mike exclaimed. "Alright, I know where you’re going with this, and I’ll tell you right now: That’s a total coincidence right there. You’re Cody because Cody has always been my favourite name, and he’d be Zack because Zack sounds like the name of a kid who turned evil. Nothing intentional at all."
"Alright, fine." Cody conceded. "But if Ashley Tisdale makes a cameo, I’m kicking you in the shins. Alright?"
"Fair enough, buddy. I’ll see you whenever 6/7 comes up."
"Sure thing. See you."

A Promise

Every once in a while, I contemplate the idea of getting revenge on everyone and everything who has gotten in my way.
The question always remains: Who would be the targets?
I can hardly get revenge on the human genetic code, or the faceless being who designed said code.
Nor can I take my anger out on a long disposed of government.
My parents? Their mistakes are just that: Mistakes. They were not aware of the significance of their actions, and thus there is no need for revenge on them.
And then the answer hits. I must get revenge on all those who have abandoned me over the years. Some whom I called my closest friends, and some more distant. But all are now enemies. Different forms of revenge seem fitting for each of these foes. Some should have their faces bashed in with a blunt object. Others deserve a slow mental torture that keeps them awake at night, for fear that nightmares will consume their dreams.
When I really think about this all, it is fair that I should take my anger out on these people? Yes, they hurt me, but perhaps I did worse things to them. I gave them reason to torment me and oppose me. Some of them I manipulated to my will, and others I simply discarded because they had become a hindrance. Good people, all.
They have done no wrong. It has been me all along, and to be frank, I’m fed up with all of it.
I don’t understand it. I sit in class like anyone else, and I would be willing to bet a billion dollars that I put more effort into life than the person sitting to my right, left, in front, and behind me all combined. Let no one accuse me of not trying or not caring. I plan out how I will greet my friends minutes or hours before I see them, for fear that I should say something wrong. I think before I speak. I take the long way to every class in order to pass by friends in the hallway and give them a friendly nod. The amount of effort I put into life is absurd, really.
Yet somehow, I am failing. This isn’t like failing a math test, because you can always try again the next time a test rolls around. I am failing at life. There are no second chances here. This knowledge that I am failing is bad enough (for there are others who are unaware of their failures, and, pathetic as they are, I have some envy for them), but combine it with the fact that I am failing in part due to my own mistakes, and the pain is multiplied.
And then to my left I see another, and he is succeeding. He puts very little effort into life, and yet he has the type of power that I crave. And why? Because he is beautiful. I have no pictures to share with you, so you will simply have to take my word for it. He uses his power sparingly. Sparingly enough that one would be led to believe that he is unaware that he possesses it. Yet, if he wanted, he could take control of many thousands of people, simply by flashing his trademark smile, and perhaps flicking that blond hair that many deem perfect.
I do not understand how the world can be allowed to function like this. I have been nothing if not relentless in my approach, and yet I still fail. Does Fate mock me? Am I destined to be a peasant? If so, I have no greater wish than to die a quick, painless death at this instant. Living life as a peasant is something that I refuse to do.
I have learned very little thus far in life. I have many questions, and few answers. One of the few things that I know for certain is that whatever I am doing now is not working. I must change my approach if I am to have any hope for success. Adapt, or become extinct, they say. And, if I am my own enemy, then there is all the more reason to destroy that which is me.


Some people just have no perspective whatsoever. They complain and complain, but they don’t realize that life could always be worse. You need proof? Alright fucknutters, ask and you shall receive. Some of these are mine, and some are lovingly ripped from the Interweb, with a little personal touch added.
Bad: A bird shits on your car.
Worse: A bird shits on you.
Even Worse: A bird shits on you whilst you are giving a speech in front of a few hundred peers.
Bad: Someone asks if you’re a dude or a chick.
Worse: Someone asks if you’re a dude or a chick, and then doesn’t believe you when you answer.
Bad: You get a papercut.
Worse: You die from a papercut.
Bad: You step on a snail.
Worse: A snail steps on you.
Bad: A vending machine eats your change.
Worse: A vending machine eats you.
Bad: You find a hair in your soup.
Worse: You find soup in your hair.
Bad: Your spider crawls inside your keyboard, and your report is due tomorrow.
Worse: Your keyboard crawls inside your spider, and your report is due tomorrow.
Bad: Your hands are always cold.
Worse: You have no hands.
Bad: You fart in public.
Worse: You fart in public, but shit comes out instead.
Even Worse: You fart in public, but a dictionary comes out instead.
Worse Still: You fart in public, but Mr. Cuddles, your long lost cat, comes out instead.
And Worse Again: You fart in public, but your best friend comes out instead.
So Bad That You Should Probably Kill Yourself If This Happens: You fart in public, but Australia comes out instead.
So Bad That You Should Probably Kill Yourself, Exhume your Corpse, Bring Yourself Back To Life, And Kill Yourself Again If This Happens: You fart in public, but Chuck Norris comes out instead, and he isn’t happy.
Bad: You get a hug after your tenth date.
Worse: You get a high five after your tenth date.
Bad: You feel like you have a frog in your throat.
Worse: You actually have a frog in your throat.
Bad: Mysterious voices talk to you.
Worse: You’re jealous that the mysterious voices aren’t talking to you.
Bad: A bag of marijuana falls out of your pocket while talking to your health teacher.
Worse: Your health teacher falls out of your pocket while talking to your bag of marijuana. (Figure it out)
Bad: You get a ticket for running a red light.
Worse: You get a ticket for running a green light.
Even Worse: You get run over by a green light.
Bad: You wake up in a foreign country and find that someone has stolen your wallet.
Worse: You wake up in a foreign country and find that someone has stolen your liver.
Bad (assuming you’re a dude): Two words: Wrong hole.
Worse: Two words: Your hole.
Bad: Your dad catches you jerking off.
Worse: You catch your dad jerking off.
Bad: Everyone blames you for killing the family pet.
Worse: Everyone blames you for the Holocaust.
Bad: You fall off a building.
Worse: A building falls on you.
Bad: You have an abortion.
Worse: You have an abortion, but you die instead.
Bad: Your dog gets hit by a car and dies.
Worse: Your dog gets hit by a cop car going 65 km/h in a 40 km/h zone with no siren or lights on, and dies, and you get a ticket for not having it on a leash.
Bad: Your wife runs off with the milkman.
Worse: Your wife runs off with your neighbour.
Even Worse: Your wife runs off with your best friend.
Worse Still: Your wife runs off with your imaginary friend.
Bad: You commit a crime and are sentenced to life imprisonment.
Worse: You are granted eternal life, and then commit a crime and are sentenced to life imprisonment.
Bad: You accidently boil your fish in oil.
Worse: Your fish accidently boils you in oil.
Even Worse: Your fish purposely boils you in oil.
Bad: You live within a hundred miles of Edmonton.
Bad: Bob Barker, Ben Affleck, Kevin James, Chuck Norris, Jarome Iginla, Don Cherry, Shigeru Miyamoto, Sean Connery, King Leonidas, Timothy Dalton, Quentin Tarantino, the Sprouse Brothers, Daniel Webster, Bill Watterson, Theoren Fleury, Dane Cook, Jim Carrey, Floyd Landis, Andrew Cogliano, Miley Cyrus (see, I’m not sexist) and George Carlin all die on the same day.
Worse: …Fuck, I’ve got nothing. Let’s just pray that some shit like that never happens.
There you go. Kiddies, stop your bitching, or else I’ll give you something to bitch about. And I will enjoy doing so.

Sing a Little

"You called, Supreme Commander?"
"Yes, s3c0ndh4nd. I would just like to inform you that we will be attacking the temple soon. I’m not sure exactly when would be a wise time to strike. Would you happen to have any idea when the best time would be?"
This was a test. Bellij was already well informed of the answer, and should s3c0ndh4nd answer falsely, Bellij would know that s3c0ndh4nd was disloyal to him, and could have him killed.
"Typically security lightens up around the end of May, Supreme Commander."
Bellij growled. s3c0ndh4nd had passed the test.
s3c0ndh4nd bowed, and took his leave. Bellij now had much to consider. How would he go about attacking the Union this time around? How much time would he have before his enemies would strike against s3c0ndh4nd, their former leader? And (he cringed when he thought of this) where exactly was Kakunaman? Up until recently, Bellij had been certain that Kakunaman still resided within the temple. Kakunaman was never one to behave as expected, however, and he could just as easily be on the other end of the world. This was problematic. Kakunaman was the one person capable of stopping him, and if his army happened to be ambushed by a group led by Kakunaman, thousands of his own would die before they could raise a sword in self defense. Once he found out that s3c0ndh4nd was in his possession, he would surely retreat back to the temple from wherever he was, but what then? Would he launch a full scale attack, or take matters into his own hands? Or would he wait for him to make the first move?
"What a pest," muttered Bellij to himself.


Some people have said "You know, I can’t wait to grow up. Sure, there’s more responsibility, but the increased freedom makes it worth it."
These people are wrong. The freedom they envision in the future is a mere illusion.
For your entire life, you will be a prisoner. The form of your imprisonment will change, but you are always imprisoned.
At the very beginning of your life, you are literally imprisoned inside your mother’s womb. Freedom is practically non-existent.
A little bit later on, you will be shackled to your parents. They will not let you out of your sight, and so again, freedom is very limited.
Once you reach a certain age usually somewhere between 10 and 12 years old, you are imprisoned inside a cage. You can go anywhere you would like in the cage, and do anything you’d like to, as long as you remain within the cage.
Then you reach adulthood, and your imprisonment begins with only a single ball and chain. You can go anywhere in the world as long as you have the strength to move the ball and chain. As your life continues, however, you become more and more shackled down. A second ball is added when you get a job, another when you get married, more for each child you have, and so forth.
The best stage is the cage stage. The only thing hampering your freedom is your parents/others limiting what you can do. As long as you stay within those limits, you’re free. If you play your cards right, your cage will grow larger over time. If you build up their trust, you will be allowed to leave the cage entirely every once in a while without any major consequences. The cage is beautiful, and if anyone comes up to you holding a ball and chain and says "It’s time to go.", you put up a hissy fit and a half. You whine, you scream, and you bitch, but whatever you do, you don’t follow the person out of the cage, because you can never go back.