Archive for December, 2007


Moving… Sort of…

Relax guys, I’m not moving just yet.
 
But hey, check out the notes on my facebook profile. You’ll see some old s3c0ndh4nd writings there, but every once in a while I’ll post some new stuff that you haven’t seen here and won’t see here. It’s worth a minute or two of your time.
 
And hey, I’m still looking for a permanant home. I’m looking at Livejournal right now, but I’m still open to suggestions. Anyone got any?
 
 

Kudos to Kids – Brenda Song

I know, I know… She’s not really a kid anymore.
 
It’s only the second one of these, and already I’m breaking my own rules. I told myself that the cut off age was 15, but I’ve smashed right through that barrier… Oh well, she deserves it.
 
 
Brenda Song, 19 years old. Hails from California, of course.
 
Why does she deserve kudos? The first reason is, of course, her acting talents. Like most, she started out small, with minor roles in T.V. and film. She had a sizable role in Like Mike as well, before entering the Disney fray. With Disney, she made a few guest appearances on Phil of the Future and That’s So Raven before being cast as London Tipton in The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
 
Now, say what you will about Disney shows and the young actors and actresses therein, but Brenda’s performences in the Suite Life of Zack and Cody have always been top notch. She nails the character down perfectly without ever becoming "annoying" (as I’ve heard the performances by certain other young actors and actresses called).
 
On top of all that, she’s done charity work for Optimist Youth Homes & Family Services, has been active in fundrasing for cancer research (her mother has breast cancer), and she has aided the causes of several other organizations as well, such as the YMCA and Make-a-Wish Foundation.
 
Finally (and this is a big one), she recently participated in a solidarity march in Hollywood to show her support for the Writer’s Guild of America.
 
Brilliant actress, beautiful young woman, and overall classy human being. Kudos to you.
 
 
 
 
 

He closed his eyes and was asleep within a minute. As he slept, he had a strange dream. Blue lights were dancing around him. The lights whirled around, and Cody spun around with them. Faster, faster, faster, until the world was just a blue blur. The room was spinning and Cody was at its mercy, but he didn’t care. He was excited now, and started dancing with the lights. Around and around they went. Then the lights started climbing into the air, and Cody followed them. Through the ceiling they went, and through each floor of the apartment until they reached the crisp November air under the night sky. Then the lights flew straight at him. He tried to dodge them, but they were too quick for him, and hit him squarely in the chest. He winced and closed his eyes, but then realized that there was no pain. In fact, it felt kind of nice. He smiled. Then he chuckled. Then he found himself rolling in the air, laughing. He heard voices. His friends were all around him, laughing too. There was his mother laughing, and beside her he saw his late father, who was beaming at him. “Dad!” he wanted to call out. “Dad, what are you doing here!?” but he couldn’t stop laughing long enough to get the words out. Everyone was laughing together, and for a moment Cody felt truly happy. Then the stars began going out, one by one. No one other than Cody seemed to notice this strange phenomenon. He stopped laughing and looked upwards. Slowly the night sky became darker and darker, until only the moon illuminated it. Cody looked upwards, and realized that the moon was grower bigger at an alarming rate. Soon it covered the entire sky. He yelled at his friends and parents to look up, but they remained oblivious to him. The moon swelled, and as it did it changed from white to yellow to orange and then to a menacing shade of blood red. Cody was beginning to get scared now, and he pleaded with his mother to look up, but she continued laughing. He looked up again. The moon had a face now. It looked so familiar, and yet so foreign. Something was now emerging out of this ‘evil’ moon. Cody squinted to try to bring this object into focus. As it drew closer, Cody realized that it was not a single large object, but three smaller ones. They were lights, much like the lights that he had danced with earlier, except these lights were coloured red. These lights weren’t coming for him, either. They were headed straight for Todd, Jake, and Kelsey. He somehow knew that these lights were evil, and began screaming at his friends, telling them to run away, but it was no use. They were still consumed by fits of laughter, and couldn’t hear him. He tried his parents again. “Mom! Dad! Help!” He looked over to see that his father was nowhere to be seen, and his mother was still laughing. ‘Where did-’ but he had no time to think about the whereabouts of his father. He turned towards his friends just in time to see the first red light hit Jake, causing him to vanish from sight.

 

“Jake! No!” he yelled. He looked around for his friend, but to no avail. Jake was gone.

 

The next red light hit Kelsey, and she too disappeared. “Oh no! Not you too Kelsey!” Cody cried out. Realizing quickly who the final red light was headed for, Cody dashed over to Todd and stood in front of him, so that the red light would hit him instead. Cody shut his eyes and braced for the impact, but it never came. Instead he heard Todd’s laughter stop. Looking behind him, he saw that Todd too was gone. Somehow, the red light had passed right through his body and hit Todd.

 

 “TODD!” he screamed. He looked around him and the only person remaining was his mother. She was no longer laughing.

 

“Mommy!” Cody cried. “Help me! The red lights! Everyone… They… All gone! Mom!” He ran over to his mother and gave her a hug, but when he opened his eyes he found that he was hugging himself. His mother had vanished from existence. Cody was now alone with the moon. The man’s face on the moon was staring at him with that same terrible expression.

 

“WHO ARE YOU?” Cody cried out in agony. “WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?”

 

But the man on the moon remained silent and continued staring. Then Cody saw another red light that was headed for him. He tried again.

 

“TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!” He yelled with all his might. Still the man’s expression did not change.

 

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FRIENDS!?” No response.

 

“TELL-” but at that moment the red light hit Cody, and his voice abandoned him. He looked down at his legs, and saw them fading away. His arms were evaporating as well. He took one last look up at the red man on the moon, at that familiar face whose name barely escaped him, and then everything faded to black.

Sell Out With Me Tonight

You compromise your morals and your integrity for personal gain, and you get labeled as a "sellout". Why?
 
 
I don’t see the problem here. It’s a necessary part of life. 
 
 
Look, you have ideas, right? Great big beautiful ideas. You love them. And maybe the world loves some of them too. But they won’t love all of them. There’s your problem.
 
If the world doesn’t like some of your ideas, or your morals, or your thoughts, you need to get rid of those ones immediately, because the world has to like you. If you give up your morals and ideas, sure, you might be labeled as a sellout, but the world will love you.
 
Everyone who is anyone has had to sell out at some point. Any band who’s signed a record deal has had to make their music appeal more to the mainstream. Any author who’s been published has had to change some of his or her ideas against his or her better judgement so that more people will enjoy his or her book. Any actor has had to keep some of his or her more radical ideas in his or her head, so that they won’t be labeled "bad actors". Comedians who want to advance their careers, artists who want to be paid for their work, screenwriters, playwrights, directors, animators… they’ve all sold out at some point. It’s not a bad thing; its made them rich and powerful.
 
It’s never a question of "should I sell out?". It’s a question of "When will I sell out?".
 
You know who doesn’t sell out? Peasants, that’s who.
 
Plumbers, electricians, doctors, lawyers, accountants, architects, construction workers, and a few billion others. All peasants. All of them. They never sold out though, so I guess that’s a point in their favour.
 
Look, you have a choice in life:
 
You could choose not to sell out, and be a peasant. You could get married and live an ordinary life. It’s not necessary for the world to love you if you’re a peasant.
 
 
Or you could sell out, and be a hero.
 
 
 
The choice is obvious. It’s just a matter of finding out how to sell out.
 

T.V.

You kids are fucking dense, aren’t you?
 
Fear not, Kak is here to enlighten you.
 
Here’s a brief history of everything that ever mattered:
 
 
There have always been three great channels. Never more, never less. The three great channels have always been YTV, Teletoon, and Family.
 
The three great channels are almost never equal to each other. When you turn on your T.V., you can’t give your undivided attention to all three at once, so you gotta pick and choose a bit. There’s always one channel that you end up checking before the other two. That channel is #1. Then there’s the channel that you flip to in case nothing is on channel #1. That’s channel #2. Finally, the third great channel is your last resort. If nothing is on the first two channels, you flip there. If nothing is on any of those channels, then you’re screwed. Go outside and get some fucking excercise, you lazy bastard.
 
Anyhow, Back in the 90’s… Say 1994-1999, The #1 channel was YTV. Phil was the host of the Zone back then, along with Snit. Remember those two? No? Dipturds…
 
 
 
 
 
How about now? Good.
 
Yeah, YTV was amazing back then. Teletoon took second place, and Family sat in third.
 
 
The year 2000 rolled around, and Phil and Snit were replaced by Pat and Jenny, and the station started going downhill.
 
Meanwhile Teletoon had found some badass programming. Ned’s Newt, Donkey Kong Country, and Cow and Chicken (and I.M. Weasel), had helped Teletoon catch up to YTV in the late 90s, and Teletoon’s good fortunes continued into the new millenium. What’s With Andy pretty much sealed the deal, and Teletoon took over 1st place, leaving YTV in 2nd. Family was still catering to 2 year olds, and remained in 3rd.
 
It didn’t last forever though. Teletoon found itself relying on What’s With Andy too much, which wouldn’t have been a problem, except for the fact that YTV had a burst of brilliance around this time, with Spongebob Squarepants and The FairlyOdd Parents playing back to back as a duo of awesomeness. These two shows, along with a few others which I can’t be bothered to remember, brought YTV back to #1. Teletoon kept on falling.
 
Around 2002, Family began rising ever so slightly. Radio Free Roscoe was the first show to signal its rise out of oblivion, and with Teletoon faltering as it was, Family soon reached a tie for 2nd place, while YTV remained strong at #1.
 
One would think that Teletoon would have smartened up by 2005, but no. It somehow slipped further. Fumbling for product, it recently gave us the failures of Camp Lazlo, Iggy Arbuckle, and Wayside. 6Teen was a bright moment, but even that couldn’t overpower the combined shittiness of said three shows.
 
YTV didn’t really introduce anything new, but nor did they cancel anything old. Thus, they stayed at about the same level of greatness…
 
 
But Family? Oh boy…
 
Boy Meets World, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, back to back to back on weekend mornings. A never before attempted TRIO OF FUCKING AWESOMENESS. After years at the top, the Spongebob/Turner duo had been overcome! But Family just kept piling it on, with The Weekenders and Life With Derek adding to its already impressive lineup. YTV executives were shocked. How the hell were they to compete with that? That question is still being puzzled over today. Family appears to have a vicegrip on the position of #1 channel, more or less uncontested.
 
Or does it?
 
 
Recently, Family opted to replace Boy Meets World (a brilliant series, but aging…) with Wizards of Waverly Place, an attempt to mooch off the successes of Harry Potter. Is this the signal that Family’s time at the top is coming to an end, or is this just another brilliant move?
 
As for Teletoon, they’ve revived their Detour block as a shot in the dark, trying to generate some kind of momentum. Robot Chicken worked spectacularly. Is this a sign that Teletoon is coming into some grand fortune, or will this be just another 6Teen?
 
 
 
 
The only thing that is certain is this: Family is currently the greatest channel on the planet. Accept that fact, or just don’t bother breeding. Or breathing.
 
Remember kiddies: Any good kid can take over the world, but you’ve got to be a real dick to destroy it.
 
 
 
 

RANT #12: Zoey 101

Hola fucknutteries, this isn’t a full rant, but it’s something that shows how spectacular I am.
 
Way back a few years ago, this show "Zoey 101" showed up on my T.V., and you know what I said?
 
I said "Holy fuck, this is the single n00biest show in the history of the world. Every actress in it is a n00b, and 95% of the the actors are too. Anyone who watches this show will be able to feel their mind slowly fucking dissolving. I can’t watch this shit."
 
And I made it my duty to watch other great Family channel shows (The Weekenders, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, among others) and not waste my time with such bullturd.
 
See, there are a few factors that make such a show shrubish:
 
1. It’s so feminist that it causes the souls of viewers to die. Feminism can be tolerable in small doses (see The Proud Family) but Z101 lays in on way too thick. The dude characters are complete retards, and the chicks are feminist fools. At least make the gender of your intended audience subtle…
 
2. PCA (the school the characters attend) is an all guys school turned into a co-ed school. Everyone knows that if you do that to a school, your nublet levels increase 267%. How did I come to that statistic? I made it up. Where did I get that line? I stole it. Fuck off. Levels of n00byness that high concentrated in one place is the cause of global warming and the War in Iraq.
 
3. It’s incredibly unrealistic, which isn’t a bad thing by itself. Some of the greatest shows on the planet are unrealistic. What’s the difference between these and Z101? They don’t TRY to be realistic. Look at Pokemon. Awesome fucking show, but no kids actually go around trying to capture Suicune (Although, if I saw a kid doing that I’d tip my hat to him, but that’s just me). Zoey 101 is a show that girly kiddies will watch, and think that middle school is actually like that. It really isn’t. Girls aren’t better at absolutely everything, as that show would have you believe. It’s all lies and propaganda spread to you by Nickelodeon, trying to make you a fucking feminist, which relates back to point one of this whole thing.
 
 
 
 
 
And see, two years later, I’m right! Aren’t I always? To put this kindly, ‘ol Jamie n00blynn Spears was fucked by a penis in her vagina, had semen from said penis put into her uterus, and a sperm cell fertilized an ovum, and now there’s another Spears kiddo on the way. 16 years old, this kid is. Exactly one day older than that Melissa fuckslutfagqueerzorgblahwhoremunch who tends to read these things, FYI.
 
 
…And you were worried about global warming before! Fuck, you kiddies ain’t seen nothin yet. 
 
 
 
 
There you have it mates. Spears is a whore. So is your mother. Just remember one thing for me: Real men eat rice bread.
 
 

Use it Well

Power is a wonderful thing, it really is. Everyone has it, but most people don’t have a lot of it. How do you get a lot of power? By any means necessary. There are four types of people in the world:
 
 
Those who have neither the right face nor the drive.
 
Those who have the right face, but not the drive.
 
Those who have the drive, but not the right face.
 
Those who have the face and the drive.
 
 
 
I pity the first group. Not only has genetics screwed them over, but they’ve lost their drive to go somewhere as well.
 
I’m pissed off at the second group. Blond hair, blue eyes, living in the middle of the big city… and they’re doing nothing. With that face in that place they should be taking the world by storm. But they aren’t. Why? I’ll never know.
 
I’m part of the third group. We’ve been screwed by genetics, and so even though we badly want to make a name for ourselves, we can’t. The world doesn’t like us.
 
The fourth group is who you should be jealous of. They’ve got the right face, and they’re smart enough to know what to do with it. See Jesse Mccartney, the brothers Sprouse, the lead singer of about a hundred or so bands in creation, about a hundred or so actresses and some actors as well. The world loves them, and if they work hard they can get power. These people are given power without having to corrupt themselves for it. Once they have the power, whether they go corrupt or not is another issue, but at the beginning they’re all nice guys and girls.
 
 
 
Look, I’m only going to say this once. Use what you’re given, and use it well. If you’ve got the face, realize that you could be spectacular if you just try a little bit. Don’t waste that beautiful face of yours. If you’ve got the drive, you’ve been gifted with the intelligence to know that power is a good thing. Unfortunately, the world won’t easily yield power to someone with your face. You’ve got to bust your ass big time, and in most cases you’ve got to be willing to go corrupt. Don’t go corrupt unless you have to, but always be willing, just in case. If you’ve got both the face and the drive, why are you still reading this? Get out there. The world is yours.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Low Road

Edge here, with a brief little piece.
 
Robert Frost once wrote:
 
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference."
 
 
A little history on myself here:
 
I haven’t always been what I am today. I am what I am now because somewhere along the line I realized what a mistake I was making.
 
See, I took the High Road in life. I listened to my parents and stayed away from drugs, and parties, and women, and all the other so-called "corruptive" influences. I was a "good" kid. I was also a boring kid. Never went out, very few friends, et cetera.
 
Needless to say, I was in the lower class way back when. All the goody twoshoes’ were. I was king of the lower class because I was a heck of a lot smarter than any of the rest of them, but that’s not saying much. Being king of the lower class is like being king of dirt. It wasn’t great.
 
And then something led me to believe that I deserved better, I’m not sure what it was, exactly, but something pushed me. This all happened so long ago that I can’t remember exactly how I did it… but somehow I moved up a rank. I joined the middle class. Such a thing almost never happens, but I did it. I lost my best friend in the process, but I gained a whole bunch of new friends, including a new best friend, so it was worth it in the end. I also had to give up my kingly status for a more middle-of-the-pack one, but that was fine by me too.
 
During my time in the middle class, I grew to despise the upper class, as any good middle classmen should. I still stayed away from drugs, parties, and sex like most middle classmen, but I actually went out on evenings and weekends, and had more fun.
 
Along with the perks came some less than pleasant changes, although I considered them great at the time: Morals.
 
See, drinking, smoking, sex, partying, school teams, etc. are all the possessions of the upper class. As a middle classman, I was supposed to hate the upper class, and consequently I also became strongly opposed to drugs, sex, parties, and school teams, among other things. The upper class outnumbered the middle class 3:1 where I went to school, so truly I had taken the road less travelled.
 
I thought of this route as the High Road. It seemed to me that having morals was a great thing, and that anyone without morals was probably unworthy of life. They were scum to me, the upper class.
 
I changed schools as everyone does at a certain age, and found that in this new school the hierarchy was still very much intact, although the middle class to upper class ratio was nearly 1:5.
 
I spent the first year or so hating the upper class as was usual. Of course, with the upper class being so massive, it was impossible to hate them all. Instead I turned my hatred towards the school itself.
 
I didn’t concentrate too hard on making friends here in the first year, which was a big mistake.
 
Sometime around the midpoint of the second year, my views started to change. I started thinking differently about the school, and as such I started thinking differently about the upper class. I became jealous, I guess you could say.
 
Along with the envy came desire. I wanted to be like them. And, over time, I starting changing. My attitude towards life in general began changing. I became more confident and more ambitious, to name a few. I became accepting and even supportive of drugs, sex, school teams, and the like. In time, I became a lot like much of the upper class.
 
But I did not enter the upper class. Why not? Since I had opted not to make many friends, I had no friends in the upper class, and making new friends at the end of the second year becomes nearly impossible.
 
Thus was my state: I was a middle classman who acted like an upper classman.
 
In other words, I was rejected by both factions.
 
And, looking back, I realized how many opportunities I missed entirely. Back in the first year, I had MANY chances to join the upper class if I wanted to. At this point I saw that the enemy which had placed me into this state was myself. Any sane person would have accepted all of those chances gladly, but not me. I had chosen clinge to my morals.
 
It was too late for me, I realized. I had practically destroyed myself.
 
Yet I found this to be unacceptable. So, I looked for scapegoats. I blamed 3 things:
 
 
Genetics, for giving me very little natural skill in anything important.
 
Geography, for placing me in a suburb miles away from everything important.
 
My parents, for giving me those morals in the first place.
 
 
 
 
Morals… Morals, how I detest those morals. The moral High Road is what I took, thinking it to be the right path. I scoffed at those on the Low Road. Then I realized that the High Road leads nowhere, and those who I had laughed at before wouldn’t let me on the Low Road anymore.
 
Oh, when I think about how my life could have been if I had realized earlier…
 
Had I been born with the right face in the right place to the right people, I would have realized what took me two years longer to realize: That morals only hold you back from greater things. I didn’t see that until it was too late, and look at me now: Condemned by my former friends, and rejected by those whom I desperately seek friendship with. Now I am forced to try and restore myself to glory through any means necessary.
 
Frankly, I do not care what that means anymore. If I were presently asked to drink, or smoke, or engage in all kinds of adulterous affairs, I would in an instant if I would be guarenteed entry to the upper class in exchange. Even being a peasant in the upper class would be fine by me, because it’s better than what I have now.
 
Listen to me. Morals are absolutely useless to have if they’re holding you back from greater things (and quite often they will). Trust me on this one. I learned my lesson the hard way. Don’t give up all of your morals for no reason, but keep yourself in a mindset where you can drop them at a moment’s notice if need be.
 
 
 
 
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less travelled by.
And that’s what fucked me over.

Blue Love

Listen guys, I’m no expert on the topic of love or anything, but I know this:
 
If you’re going to fall in love, fall in love with someone blue. It’s common sense, really.
 
 
Look, if you love someone green, you’ll wake up one day and they won’t be green anymore. You’ll realize that somewhere along the line, they turned orange, or yellow, or brown, or purple, and you won’t love them anymore. Then you’ll have to explain to them "Listen babe, when we first met, you were beautiful. But you’ve changed, and I don’t love you anymore." What will their reaction be? It won’t be pretty.
 
‘Course, most people can’t bring themselves to say something like that, so they end up stalling and making things worse for themselves, but that’s besides the point.
 
 
 
Fall in love with someone blue, and they’ll stay blue forever, and you’ll always love them because they’ll always be what you love. Just make sure you stay blue yourself.
 
 
All eyes on me,
Blue eyes on me.
I’ll live on for you,
and forever blue eyes will I see.
 
 
 

Murder Yourself

Mordecai Richler had the right idea.
 
 
"A boy can be two, three, four potential people, but a man is only one. He murders the others."
 
 
The same applies to girls, I think.
 
 
 
 
Within you, you have multiple people trying to emerge. You might have a side of you that is shy, self-centered, prone to jealousy and anger, trusts very few people, is very protective of personal possessions, and is loyal to a select group of friends. An introvert, who’s shyness is easily mistaken for coldness.
 
Another side might be friendly to everyone, naive, caring, passive, outgoing, and easily willed. A well respected person, but a pushover.
 
And there are many sides within a person. Perhaps as many as ten or more.
 
And then there’s that side. The behemoth, Richler calls it.
 
The side of a person that is intelligent, manipulative, scheming, conceited, confident, cautious, charismatic, corrupt, ambitious, and materialistic. A work horse, willing to do anything and squish anyone as long as it leads to power.
 
Does everyone have a behemoth in them?
 
I would say so. What separates us as individuals is whether or not the behemoth in us murders all our other selves.
 
It is not always a fair fight. In some people, the behemoth is killed at a young age. Once it is dead, it can never return. In other people, the behemoth overpowers all the others at a young age.
 
There are various factors which determine the outcome of this fight in the early stages. Parenting, friends, genetics, self-esteem, location, and environment are among them.
 
At a certain age, however, an individual is in control of his or her own life. You have power over the final outcome of the fight. By the time a person can control their own life, most of the potential persons are already dead. Usually two remain. Three at the most.
 
Now a person must choose who they want to be for the rest of their life. It is amongst the most difficult choices that a child must make. It is also the final decision a child must make, for once the decision is made, the child becomes an adult.
 
As I’ve said before, in some people, the behemoth is weak. Such a person could easily allow the behemoth to be destroyed in the final stages of their childhood.
 
In other people, the behemoth is strong. It would be the easiest thing for someone like this to let the behemoth take over them and overpower them.
 
What should you do? It’s all up to you, really. Richler has one of his characters say:
 
"There’s a brute inside you Duddel – a regular behemoth – and this being such a hard world it would be the easiest thing for you to let it overpower you. Don’t, Duddel. Be a gentleman."
 
Is that the right choice?
 
Well, for the record, the Duddy character ignores this advice. He lets the behemoth overpower him. He loses all of his friends and alienates half of his family. A lot of people hate him, but a few are inspired by him, and you know what? He ends up rich, powerful, and famous.