Archive for November, 2007

How to Make Friends, #1

Hola mates!
So, you kids remember my troubled past and stuff right?
Abusing trust and friendship, manipulating, the whole bit? Yeah? Good.
Now that I’m retired, I don’t have to keep my techniques secret anymore, so I figure I’ll let some of them out every once in a while. Try to use this for the forces of good, instead of evil, kay?
(But, if someone really deserves to have their ass pwned… well, I’ll look in the other direction.)
Anyhow, step one is always picking the perfect target.
The great thing about people is that there are so many of them. Good targets are everywhere. It’s all about picking the best one(s). There are a few criteria to evaluate each target on. Depending on what type of friendship you’re seeking, certain criteria are more important than others, but I’m going to assume that none of you are attempting anything malicious.
A) Appearence:
First off, you’ve gotta have a good looking target. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say, so personal preference is a factor here, but generally there’s some sort of agreement as to who’s hot and who’s not. Pick a hot friend, kiddies. Look for the things like blonde hair, blue eyes, green eyes, etc, that usually make people say ‘oooooooooooo! (s)he’s dreamy!’ Someone about the same height and weight as you is a good pick, although there are reasons for picking shorter or taller and fatter or skinnier people as well.
B) Intellegence:
This one all depends on your preference. Smart people are harder to manipulate, and thus, harder to make and maintain friendships with. At the same time, the rewards of having smart friends are more than worth the effort. Smart people tend to go places in life a lot more often than dumbfucks.
C) Athleticism:
People respect athletes, because they’re good at stuff. Atheletes are good people to know.
D) Class:
Perhaps the most important of all. You’ll want to go with someone from your own class level. Depending on which class you’re in, and the way your class structure is organized, this can be easy or hard. If you’re in the upper class, or if your class makes up 50% or more of the class demographic, you’re in trouble. Why? Well, people in the upper class are naturally more hateful, first of all. Second of all, the bigger the class, the more divided the people within it are, and the less tight the unity of the class is. I saw this back a few years. The upper class back then was slightly over 50% of the population, and they had civil wars all the time. The middle class was smaller, and tightly bound together. We were all friends, to some extent. Anyhow, I digress. Pick someone from within your own class, because it’s too much effort to try anything else.
E) Popularity:
Some people are loved, or at least respected, by everyone. Do yourselves a favour and love these people too.
F) Personality:
Common sense. If you love Pokemon, don’t befriend Digimon fanatics. I learned that lesson the hard way. If you’re loyal to Nintendo, don’t befriend Microsoft lovers. The Screwup and s3c0ndh4nd both learned that one the hard way. If you’re a Leafs fan… well, why the hell are you a Leaf fan? They’re crap. Don’t cheer for the Flames or Oilers either, they suck balls too. Watch curling.
Don’t pick someone who’s a complete opposite of you. Sometimes it works, but it usually doesn’t.
G) Mutual friends:

This one only applies to you if you have at least one friend already. Try to make friends with people who are friends with your pre-existing friends. It just makes things a hell of a lot easier, and there’s less of a chance you’ll have to sacrifice friends later on.

H) Your Interest:
Don’t be a fucking dumbass. Don’t pick someone who bores you or who you hate.
You know what? That’ll be all for now. It was boring? Yeah? Fuck you, they’ll get better. I just had to introduce this stuff so that you turds of the soil would understand the information yet-to-come.

As They Say

So, outside the lab, I see a sign:
Mortal Kombat Tournament
Postponed until next Thursday due to ninjas.
Priceless. Remember kids: The thesaurus is your friend.


Take rain, and lower the temperature a bit. You’ve got freezing rain. Lower the temperature a bit further. The freezing rain freezes and becomes ice. Wait a bit, and you’ve got a light snowfall, which will fall on top of the ice.
That, mates, is the recipe for the perfect storm. It’s a silent killer. Hardly impressive to watch happening, and yet the damage is spectcular. See, the whole concept of a car is based on the idea that there’s friction between the tires and the road. Put ice between the road and the car, and you’ve got a lot less friction. Add a light layer of powder snow, and you’ve got even less.
The result? Cars crash, people die, and the highway that connects me to my school is shut down for a day… in both directions.
Can you say fucking SNOW DAY?!?
Well, I guess it’s more of a freezing rain turned to ice covered by powder snow day, but the concept is the same. No school.
Now, in previous years I’ve taken a lot of shit from Calgarians and other westerners about what pussies we are when it comes to snow days. In some ways, yeah, I guess we are.
It’s been a while since that Quebec ice storm some years back. Quebec got hit by ice, and Ontario was left with several feet of snow falling on us. Now THOSE were some deserved snow days.
I don’t know if its global warming or what it is, but 25+ cm dumpings have become pretty rare recently. But see, it all works out. The old school was about a 30 second drive, and so even if hell’s fury itself descended upon the roads, it was still possible to drive to school, given the short distance. Snow days were only had when the school itself decided to close.
Now, the school is 30 minutes away via car, and Highway 400 is the lifeline connecting me to school. Suddenly, road conditions are a big deal. If the buses cancel (which they do at the first sign of trouble, the lazy bastards..), I have no way of getting to school. If the Highway 400 is closed, that half hour ride becomes a 2 hour ride, minimum.
Today, the buses cancelled, and the Highway 400 closed. Double whammy. Damned good thing that I turned down someone’s offer to drive me to school. See, the Highway ended up being closed in both directions. If, by some miracle, I had managed to get to school, I’d have had no way of getting back. Thank bejeezus or what, eh?
The downside is that I missed my MKII tournament match. 1 of 2 things could have happened.
Since the school was still open, it’s possible that enough people showed up that they decided to play today’s matches anyhow, in which case my absence means that I forfeit. In which case, fuck.
More likely though is that they’ll reschedule the match for another day. After all, about 30% of the people were probably away, and the dude who I was supposed to get owned by today also relies on the bus to get to school. Therefore, technically both of us would have forfeited. That’s too much paperwork. I think I’ll be fighting tomorrow.
Aut vincere aut mori, as they say.

What in the…

What the hell?
So here I am, making my mark on the temple, and I’m getting one comment every three days.
Edge shows up, and you give him 4 in an hour. I’m ashamed.
Anyhow, here’s what’s been going on: My religion project was worth a nice A, even though I might have butchered s3c0ndh4nd’s "Death of Innocence" and "My Sweet, Wonderful, Merciful Blue Heavens" a bit. Oops. In any case, the teacher said he especially liked the reflection portion of my presentation, which was ripped more or less word for word from s3c0ndh4nd. Ace. See ya around.
Whoa there mates!
What’d you think? I disappeared or something? Fuck that.
Here’s some important news for you kids:
Tomorrow is Day 1 of the big Mortal Kombat II tournament. Yours truly, of course, will be participating.
64 people.
6 rounds.
1 champion.
Just my luck though: My first round matchup is against a real pro. As spectacular as I am at most games, I’m no pro at MKII. Hell, I just started playing three weeks ago. I’m up against someone who’s been playing for years. Can I beat him? Probably not. Am I going down without a fight?
…Fuck no!
Will Kakunaman the underdog exit the competition early, or can he pull together a massive upset? Stay tuned, kiddies.
Just remember:
"Generic powdered fruit drink" is spelled "G-R-A-P-L-E"
Do not trust anyone who tells you otherwise.
(Now, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Cyanize and Edge have big effing insiggies compared to mine, don’t they? Overcompensating for something?)
(I kid, I kid…)

What Would You Give?

What would you sacrifice for fame? For power? For money?
If you have these three, you can buy happiness. You can buy people’s love. You can have anything you want if you just get these three things first.
So what would you give up for them?
Ultimately, you’re going to have to give up one thing: Time. There are other things too, like effort, but you need time in order to make that effort. The more time you have, the better an effort you can potentially make.
The more time you give up for this cause, the better your chances of success are.
You’ve only got 24 hours each day. 7-10 of those are gone due to sleep. Another 7-9 are lost because of school or work. That leaves you with anywhere from 5-10 hours of your day left to devote to the cause of seeking happiness.
Those 5-10 hours are your "free time", during which you can do nearly anything you want. Clearly though, if you want to seize glory, you’ll have to devote most of your free time to this cause, sacrificing other things.
You might need to sacrifice money earned by doing side jobs.
You might need to sacrifice video gaming, since gaming can hardly be considered a productive activity.
You might need to sacrifice playing a musical instrument (unless you intend to use the instrument as your way of seizing glory for yourself)
You might need to sacrifice homework and studying. Maintaining a high degree of academic excellence is time consuming, after all.
You might need to sacrifice your home. You might have been born into a little-known town where achieving fame is nearly impossible. You’ll have to move.
You might need to sacrifice your citizenship, since the above problem can occur in a country where achieving fame is very difficult.
You might need to sacrifice your friends, since whole days can be wasted spending time with them.
And the list goes on.
It’s all about becoming efficient and not wasting time. You’ve got to find out how you’re going to be happy, and then do whatever it takes to get there. Start today. If you need to step on a few friends in order to reach that great pedestal, so be it. After all, once you’re rich, famous, and powerful, you can buy their forgiveness. You can make better friends. Friends who are also rich, famous, and powerful, and who wouldn’t even look at you before you became great.
Basically, you can trade your old home, your old friends, and your old life for a bigger and better home, more and closer friends, and a better life. It just takes a ton of effort.
I’m from Eternity. My friends call me Edge.

A Lighter Side

A few days ago here in my hometown, we had a three year old boy die. Just like that. Some kind of sickness.
Is that fair? Really, is it? Who does that benefit? What purpose does that fulfill?
You’ve got a kid dead, family grieving, friends grieving… who does that help?
Look, if I were God, no one under the age of 15 would die. You’d be invincible before then. Before that, you haven’t lived. That shit’s fucked up, if you’ll ‘scuse my tongue.
Anyhow, I’m not here to philosophize. I’m no s3c0ndh4nd. But, I have a buddy like him. His name’s Edge, and he’s into that philosophy stuff too. Maybe I’ll invite him over or something. Whadda ya think?
See ya on the flip.

It’s All Good

Oh boy I tells ya…
Plaguarism is a bad thing.
…When you get caught, that is.
I took some of s3c0ndh4nd’s work, changed a word here and there for formatting purposes, and submitted it as an essay.
Easiest "A" ever. "Outstanding", she says.
Here’s the punch line: We had to submit this thing to
That’s basically a site that checks your paper against the whole internet, looking specifically for plaguarism.
This essay of mine slid right through. Apparently this temple’s too small to even register.
If you’ll excuse me, I have a religion presentation to prepare. Heh. I’ll keep ya posted on that one.

How D’ya Like Me Now?

See, I told you I was turning everything blue. Is that ace or what? 
But you know what? I still don’t like it all that much.
I think I’m gonna move out of this temple. It just ain’t for me, y’know? I’ll find somewhere else, and maybe keep this place for Kak or something. We’ll see.
Anyhow, I was talking to that Runner kid today. What a guy.
I says to him: "Man oh man, you’ve gotta be the cockiest guy I know."
He says: "It’s okay to be cocky if you can back it up."
He’s a good kid. I’ll keep an eye on him. As for you guys, keep an eye on me. If I’m moving, I’ll let you all know.

Cyanize the World

You know how hard it is do introduce yourself to a bunch of strangers? There’s so many ways to do this, but you only get one shot. Here’s mine:
Hey guys, I’m Cyanize.
The first thing you should know is what I’m here to do. I’m not here to kill people. Cyanide does that, so don’t confuse me with that stuff. Naw, I’m Cyanize, and all that means is to turn stuff blue.
Why blue?
It’s the first law of everything: Things that are blue tend to stay blue, and that’s a good thing.
See, green grass turns yellow and brown, green leaves turn orange, white snow loses its colour completely and turns clear, brown wood turns green, black leather fades, etc etc etc. They all change. It’s terrible.
But blue? That blue sky is always gonna be blue. You can throw pollution at it, you can throw clouds at it, you can throw darkness at it, but it’s always gonna be blue in the end. How about that ocean? You can piss in it, spill oil in it, or whatever else, but it’s always gonna be blue. You can’t change that. It’s a beautiful thing.
So that’s basically what I’m here to do. Turn everything blue. Cyanize the world, one step at a time.
So, I need an insignia…
Oh yeah. That’s ace.


I, s3c0ndh4nd, Third Hero of The Union, being of sound mind and memory, do hereby declare this to be my last will and testament.
First: The first thing that I would ask of you all is that you do not seek out revenge on the one who poisoned me. Doing so would provoke further incident, and further bloodshed. Leave it be.
Second: To Kakunaman and my successor, I leave the temple, and everything contained within it. You are both free to do with it as you please.
Third: To my dearest friends, too numerous to name, I have decided to make all of my other posessions common to you you all. Original copies of any of my poetic works are available to you if you so desire. These can be mailed anywhere in the world within a few days. Unfortunately, since multiple originals do not exist, photocopies will have to be made.
Fourth: I wished to make this a simple will, and so I have. I have very few belongings, and everything that I own has already been mentioned. My most precious belonging, however, is my knowledge. I have given you everything I know over the past few weeks. Everything, save this last piece of information, which I give to you now: Perfection, my friends, is a very dangerous thing to persue. Do not seek it. Embrace your life as it is.
Fifth: I have lived for nearly two and a half years, and I have written down tens of thousands of words in this temple. It scares me to think that these will be the last ones that you will ever read. Tens of thousands of words… and now I am down to my last hundred. I have but one favour to ask of you all: Remember me as I once was long ago, not as I was before I died. And remember me as "s3c0ndh4nd", not as "wise", or "friendly". That is how I want to be remembered.
Sixth: I sign off for the last time with the same insignia that I have used many times before. Only now, I will use it twice.
Once, because this, like many other entries in this temple, is a work of s3c0ndh4nd, crafted by my own hands.
And a second time so that you will remember it, for it shall be the last time it is posted.