Archive for June, 2006

The End of Everything

The day we graduated from elementary school, everyone cried and hugged and said "we’ll always be friends!" "Clare 4 life!" "we’ll get together every week, don’t worry!"
Where did all that go?
It died.
We knew it could happen, and that it probably WOULD happen. We prepared ourselves as well as we could with false promises and little hugs, but it wasn’t enough.
With the end of elementary school, all connections that we had between each other were broken. It was no longer important to us that we maintain our ties with each other, and so they perished.
I saw friends become enemies, lovers snap at each other’s necks, and the Screwup die because of all this. Kakunaman would have a fucking field day! But I cannot stand it.
Everyone now embraces their new school, their new lives, their new friends. Their old school is now loathed, their old lives are disgusting to them, and their old friends are now "bitches" and "assholes".
Fuck you all. You killed everything. You killed Innocence. You killed the Screwup. You killed the G.O.D.
You purposely killed everything you lived for in the last 10 years. Why?   
Truthfully I tell you, it will happen again after high school. You will come to hate many of the people you hold dear to you now, and I shall have no sympathy for you then, just as you have no sympathy for me now.
One year ago we graduated for elementary school, and today I see an all-too-familiar scene played out by this years graduates. I know how this story ends, and I will shed but a single tear for them, as they know not the ending yet.
Tomorrow I will visit a place called St. Clare Catholic School, and return to a place on the field where I often spent my time in deep thought. It is there that the Screwup is buried, and all his slain hopes and dreams along with him.
 I promise you all this: s3c0ndh4nd shall not perish this summer. Though he may walk on burning embers and spend his days on Death’s doorstep, the Pale Horse shall not catch him yet. It is not yet his time.

Living Life

We’ve all got reasons why we live.
The vast majority of people in the world are fuckers who don’t give a thought about why they choose to live. But to those of you who don’t fall into this category, I ask of you this:
Give me three things in your life that make it worth living.
Just three.
This has been asked countless times by countless people in the past. What makes life worth living?
But the answers are often the same:
"Being with the one you love"
"Loving and being loved back"
"Finding true love"
"Falling in love for the first time"
Now then.
I’m not undermining the importance of having love in your life. I’m the last person who would do such a thing.
But is love REALLY everything?
Love can’t be the only thing that keeps us going. If that was true, no one would survive their teen years. Hell, in our teen years most of us don’t even know what love IS yet.
You know all those meaningless relationships you have? Are those all based on love?
No, you say? But you always did say to him: "I love you so fucking much", didn’t you?
No, Love can’t be the only reason to live for.
Why else then would we live? If not for love, then what is there that could be greater? What greater ambition could we possibly have other than love?
Here’s my answer: Dreams. 
Indeed, Ambition itself is the reason we live.
We all live to see if our dreams eventually become reality.
All those meaningless relationships mean nothing to us in the end, but we go through each and every one of them to see how they end, and we hope that eventually we find one that won’t end ’til death do us part.
All those other ambitions we have…
To become a doctor
To make the honor roll
To write a book
To save someone’s life
To make new friends
To fly a plane
To become a professional athelete
To meet someone famous
To have one day alone with someone you love
To drive a Ferrari
To go to the moon
All these are our ambitions. Some are very unlikely to happen, but others have a good chance of one day becoming a reality. Some of these may be achieved in the next few weeks.
Some of these may not happen until 2 minutes before we die.
And that, my friends, is why we choose to live and not to die. We want to see just how many of our dreams end up becoming a reality, and there’s no way of knowing this unless we live life until the very end.
If you knew that 5 minutes before your life ends, the most amazing thing will happen to you, would you want them to pull the plug on you 5 minutes early? Then you’d never know what you missed. If we die even a second earlier than we should, we will never find out what we may have missed. Only until our life is fully lived can we be satisfied with what we have accomplished.
The only way of finding out where life will take you is living it.
Dead men don’t find out where they could have been, what riches they could have had, and what wonders would have unfolded in their lives.

RANT #7: The “Block” Button

What’s this? s3c0ndh4nd creates two rants in a row?
Blasphemy you say? Madness you say? Lies you say?

Sorry fucknuts, its here. Whether you like it or not is not my concern.

ALRIGHT. So there’s this little button on every MSN Messenger conversation window. It’s a small picture of our favourite "Msn dude" covered by the universal sign for "NO ENTRY" It’s called the "Block" button, and we’ve all used it at least once, myself included.
Regardless, I absolutely abhor this button. In essence, it’s nothing but a way to say "Fuck You, STFU" for pussies who can’t be bothered to actually say it during the convo or, better yet, to the person’s face.
But that’s all fine by me. There are fags in the world, and no amount of ranting will ever change that, so I accept the fact that there are people who are too pussy to speak to someone’s face.
There are some far worse fags out there. There are people in the world who pretend to be friends with other people whom they actually hate. And to get rid of them, they quickly end a conversation with "g2g bye" and then quietly block and delete the person.
Come on! If you can’t stand a person, couldn’t you make an effort to let them no that? Even if you don’t do it to their face, it doesn’t take big balls to type: "FUCK YOU BITCH! YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT LICKING MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER! YOU ARE A FUCKING WASTE OF SEMEN, AND I HOPE TO GOD YOU FUCKING DIE! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE, CAPEESH?" 
YOU FUCKING PUSSY! What are they going to do to you afterward? Once they stop crying, the worst they can really do is say "Mommy, some mean kid hates me!" What are they going to do? Beat the crap out of you for not being their friend?
If you take the route of the pussy, you don’t really end of solving anything. The person won’t really know that you hate them, and will be up your ass again whenever you see them again. "So Clare, why haven’t you been on MSN lately…?"
If you absolutely MUST be a pansy about life, then at least find SOME way to leave them no doubt that you hate them. At the VERY minimum, TELL THEM that you are blocking and deleting them. Don’t leave any fucking doubt in their minds. Theoretically, everytime someone’s status goes to appear offline, they could have blocked you. I don’t like having this doubt, and I don’t want anyone I talk to to have this doubt.
Even though I have temporarily blocked people in the past (temporarily=3 days maximum), I have NEVER blocked and deleted someone. Even people I hate. Even people that have long since blocked and deleted me. I don’t stoop to the level of a pussy. 
If you do, it’s more of a joke to me than it hurts anyone else. Fuck you.
s3h out.

RANT #6: Jobs

Damn, this one’s been a long time coming eh? I can’t believe I didn’t think of this one before.
So by now, you should all know my line: Far too lazy. I do my best to avoid having to put effort into things I care nothing about. Some people run into employment like lemmings to the sea. I can’t figure out why.
You know who works? Old people. Mom’s and Dad’s work to support their families. And the vast majority do a job they enjoy.
But now we have fucking 14 year olds looking for a job at "Timmy’s". WHAT THE FUCK?
Ok. so you’re a giddy youngster looking forward to being part of the Tim Tim’s Team. So you fill out your resume.
Then you go to a job interview. And you’re hired.
And you wanna know what happens then? I know some of you aren’t there yet, so I’ll ruin the ending for ya.
You wear an ugly ass uniform, pour coffee for ugly 20 year olds who hit on you, make friends, and make money. Then you get married, retire, and die.
 You wanna go out with friends?
Nope, you have work tonight.
Hot guy calls?
Nope, sorry, you have to serve donuts to some obese guy.
The boyfriend wants sex immediately?
Nope, your break ended 5 minutes ago, but you have another one in 2 hours if he can wait..
I can understand if you’ve found your life’s ambition or something as a Tim Timmity Tim worker. If thats the case, then by all means, have fun, I’ve nothing against you.
But most of us strive for something more when we’re older. OLDER. And when we work, we become old.
Dudes, lemme put this simply for you:
In my books, the second you become officially employed, you’ve sold your childhood away for minimum wage. Is it worth it to you? Decide. Some of you already have. 
Fags. s3h out,  

The Infection

Everyone hates at least one thing about themselves. Not about their appearance, but about their character. About their personality. Most people hate more than one thing about themselves, but there’s always that one thing they hate most of all. Some people hate their shyness. Some people hate that they don’t think before they speak, and stupid shit comes out. Some people hate that they repeat themselves too often, much to the annoyance of those around them. Some people hate their lack of work ethic.
The fact is that I posess all four of these qualities. But I do not look upon any of them as a curse.
I’m shy? Fuck it, I’d rather be shy than someone outgoing with 1,000,000 friends but no true friends.
I don’t think before I speak? I can’t imagine how anyone does:| It takes too long.
I repeat myself too often? Do I? It’s because you don’t hear me the first time, idiot.
I don’t have a work ethic? Hell, that to me is a blessing. God forbid I get a job or something. Far too lazy.
Hell, I like a lot of things about myself that other people would hate.
I like being able to help people and make sacrifices for them infinitely, without even a thank you.
I like my ability to take verbal abuse and think that it’s my fault.
Here’s what I absolutely hate about myself. I hate The Infection. It takes everything good that I try to create for others and turns it against me.
Ever tried to share the wealth with someone else?
At the age of 5, didn’t you show your friend the sand castle you made? And didn’t he either destroy it or claim it for himself?
At the age of 8, didn’t you invite your friend to your secret club? Didn’t he gain popularity and rise through the ranks of your club, leaving you in the dust?
These are the types of betrayals I cannot stand for, simply because I INVITE them. I lead MYSELF to my demise, no one else.
Everyone wishes to one day slay their worst enemy. Your worst enemy is the one who leads you to your doom. I don’t like being my own worst enemy. Its a lot less fun to have to slay yourself.
But I didn’t fucking start this… This whole shit happened six months before I was even born. It was the Screwup who started The Infection. He was the one who’s actions are causing ME shit now. But…
Why? What fucking purpose did you have in mind when you began this whole thing? What in God’s name would compell you to start something like this? You’re burning it all up. Every last thing we have worked for in the last few years, and you’re fucking burning it up. You could not have any purpose in doing something that would risk the death of the Union.
The Infections endangers all. Some are affected worse than others. Only two people have not succumb. Two fucking people. Out of everyone else.
…This is what YOU felt like in the days before you died isn’t it? This same loss and hopelessness?
No… I can’t die. There’s so much I still have to do… I still have to finish what we started two years ago… I still have to fix the lives of everyone I hurt… I want to love and be loved…  
…I don’t want to die…I haven’t lived yet.

Conversation #5

Apo: "So what the hell was that?"
s3h: "That man you saw kill himself… That was the Screwup…"
Apo: [shocked] "Really? Are you sure?"
s3h: "Yeah… it all fits. You said it was early summer, and the Screwup died on July 5th. That was the same place he died, and that was how he died. And his last words…"
Apo: "Do you know what he was trying to say?"
s3h: "Yeah… at least I think so. G.O.D. stands for the Good Old Days, and I think he was trying to say that they live forever…"
Apo: "Oh… I understand that."
s3h: "Well this settles it then."
Apo: "Settles what?"
s3h: "I now know for sure that fate has brought you to me. There is no doubt about that. As well, I know that fate requires me to bring back the G.O.D. in whatever form I can. Or else die trying."
Apo: "Surely you wouldn’t risk your life for-"
s3h: "It is worth it. The G.O.D. were everything to the Screwup, and clearly fate intends that I find some way to restore them in any way, shape, or form possible. It appears I was wrong about this summer. Not only should it prove to be an interesting one, but it should prove to be the summer in which the Union’s purpose is fulfilled, or the summer in which I die."
Apo: "Are you sure that you want to do this?"
s3h: "Absolutely."
Apo: "Then I will not argue with you. If there is anything you require of me, I am at your service."
s3h: "Thank you."
One day. One hour.
That’s all I need. Just grant me that and I shall succeed.
I know not how, but I swear on the Screwup’s blood I will succeed. Every drop of blood spilled by those who came before me, I will avenge. I will bring glory to the Union, or death upon myself.
Bring it on.
There haven’t any new entries here for the last while because I’ve been busy with final projects and exams. But now, with one day left of school, tis time for a quick year end review, and my expectations for the summer.. Not a hugely interesting entry for you to read, but it serves as a good reference point for myself when looking back.
This year was quite a bit different from last year, as is to be expected. New school, new people, etc.
Was it as good as last year? No.
Do I want last year back? Yes.
Do I wish I could redo this year? No.
I did what I could this year. I went in with a disadvantage. Fine. I went and did the best I could under the circumstances. Regrets? Of course, but those will always exist no matter what.
Am I thinking of the roads I didn’t take this year? Not really.
Decent year overall, and under the circumstances, I could’ve done better, I’m disappointed with what I accomplished, but I wasn’t expecting any better.
As for this summer.
The summer of ’05 was supposed to be the best of my life. And in a lot of ways it was. Hell, s3c0ndh4nd came into existance then, didn’t he? But even before then there were expectations of it being an amazing summer. I had every available resource to make it great, but I messed up a ton of opportunities. It was supposed to be the best summer yet, and it succeeded. But it still felt like a failure because I could have done far far better.
This year, expectations are low. Very fucking low. I feel a shitty summer coming along. I hope to God that I’m wrong, but I doubt it. Gone are the vast majority of the resources I had last year, and if I failed to use them then, this year will be far far worse.
We shall see how this plays out. Until then…